Overcoming

Forgiving is easy but forgetting is never easy,

overcoming is the hardest part in let go.

The healing process contain tears and laughters,

when you know you are getting slightly better,

you will feel indescribable good and thinking to better and better,

when you know you are getting worst,

you will feel the killing headache and thinking to suicide.

Perhaps,

this is life, it is never easy.

Life taught me understanding of relationship between human being,

life taught me both love and hatred.

From the day I arrived Malaysia from Australia,

today is the 4th times I visited her house.

The first time she didn't knows I came,

the second time she didn't knows I came too,

the third time I saw she was closing the gate but she didn't saw me,

the fourth time I thought she wasn't at home but she suddenly pop out in front of me when I did the second round.

The first time when I heard the sound of locking or unlocking,

I was get frightened terribly and totally blanked when I heard the gate sound,

my head turned left right left right for 6 times until I told myself to cool down and look properly who is the one who trying to open the door,

it's neighbour or it's she?

At the moment when I cool down myself,

I found she is the one who was closing the door instead of opening,

her image and shadow was vague and I can't see clearly due to eye power,

I just saw a blurred person locked the door at her house.

I believed its Pn Lye as I did not seen lye chuin li car over there.

At that time,

when I saw the door is closed instead of opened,

her action totally secured my emotions of being scared;

my eyes turned from a very big eyes to a normal size eye.

Yet,

I learned a new method,

if hung kiat fetched me, then just passed by in car,

if I walked from Michelle's house, then just walked the grass opposite her house,

so she wouldn't know I passed by :)

I don't know how people think of me,

but I just realized in everyone's impressions,

I am that kind of timid person who live in fears,

two days ago, met up Emily in Starbucks;

we had an unstoppable face-to-face lady's talk,

we talked about life and hardships we had gone through,

but still,

Pn Lye's topic constituted 80% from what we talked.

Still the same,

I am still talking about Pn Lye;

talked about current and past.

She asked me why I quarrelled with Hung Kiat ?

I told her

'Because my mom asked him go and tell Pn Lye when I come back, then he gong gong go and tell her when I come back!'

She said

'Why your mom asked Hung Kiat go and tell Pn Lye when you come back?

I said

'Because my mom scared Pn Lye beat me again mah. Then she asked hung kiat go and tell Pn Lye dont beat me during that period lah. Then Hung Kiat stupid stupid go and tell ! Then I angry him till now I still blocked him in facebook.'

She laughed and said

'Hahaha! I think now not only you got dark shadow towards Pn Lye, your mom also got dark shadow towards Pn lye already. Scared until like that. Funny!'

I said

'Anah! Funny! Hung Kiat said the first time my mom phoned him and said: Hope Pn Lye dont beat her when she come back. The second time my mom phoned him and said: You go and ask Pn Lye dont beat her when she come back.'

Emily said

'Ya la! Last time beat until like that, parents will scared ones leh, my mom also! If got people beat me like that, my mom also will scared ones....'

I said

'How you know?'

She said

'Because I break up with Randy mah, then my mum cried. You see, breakup never involve in physically hurt also my mom cried, what to say yours? Hahaha! I think your mom will cried until die. Pn Lye beat you until like that your mom never cry meh?'

I pondered and said

'Hmmmmm.... she cried behind me I dont know lah, so far, from what I knew, she got cried once when I mentioned add math and cried till whole face very red that type.'

She said

'Your father leh? Your father didn't cry?'

I said

'My father just eyes very red, looked like almost cry but never cry.'

She said

'Then you because of hk told pl when you come back angry till now?'

I said

'Not only this lah, another reason is because he own self go and ask Pn Lye say sorry to me.'

She said

'Good lah, like that not good meh? He wants you to put down mah... If was me, I happy till die got this kind of boyfriend.'

I said

'I dont know why I got a sort of feeling daren't look at her and listen about the add math incident.'

She said

'How to say?'

I said

'Dont know, its the feeling of intensely embarrass. If you were me, will you got this kind of feeling? Is like you dare not look at her if she mention about the incident. Will quickly go away or shifted topics. So, to avoid this kind of embarrassment, I just want to avoid receive apologies. My meaning is I feel contented towards condition now, I dont disturb then she dont come out, like that enough already, I  want to maintain this life, why he still want to make things bigger by creating troublesome?'

She said

'Then your mom's opinion?'

I said

'My mum also said want. But I dont want.'

She said

'Anah! I think got apologies better.'

I said 

'Dont you think apologies is useless? Even she apologies already, not say I can totally forget the incident, I know I sure still remember after she says sorry ones.'

She said

'Remember of course still remember, you wont forget but you can forgive. Apologies is not for the sake of forget but forgive. Means after apologies, maybe you can put down and never go her house any more.'

I said

'I dont know how to forget and also dont know how to forgive, you think forgive means what? How to forgive ones?'

She said

'Forgive means for example she tell you she never hate you any more, something like this, then when you think she never hate you any more, you will automatic won't hold that kind of grudges towards her, then when you dont have grudges towards her, you will automatic never go her house. Trust me! You need to accept the fact.'

I said

'Accept fact? You mean I not accept fact?'

She said

'Anah! You cannot accept the fact lah.'

I said

'Why say I cannot accept the fact? I knew add math what happened, I knew the fact.'

She said

'You knew the fact but you never accept, accept means you accepted it as past or unchangeable incident in your life, you accepted the past suffering and move on, then never think about it any more.'

I said

'I dont know what to do to make me dont think about it? You think how to dont think about something?'

She said

'I knew your main problem already, I think is because you cannot accept the fact so you cannot move on.'

I said

'Why say cannot accept the fact? From what perspective you perceived me as cannot accept the fact?'

She said

'You cannot accept her apologies means cannot accept the fact lah.'

I said

'I not dont want accept her apologies, I just dare not face her face and listen the stories. If she wants apologies, ask her talk to the wall, dont talk to me. I dont dare listen.'

She said

'Dont dare listen means dont have courage accept the past.'

I said

'I scared I will cry when I heard the story.'

She said

'Cry? For you too normal already lah, just assumed as normal cry lah.'

I said

'Cannot, really cannot. I really dont want. I will suicide if she face to face mention about add math to me.'

She said

'Clar got so serious meh? People say sorry to you, then you want committed suicide.'

I said

'I dont want people force me the thing I dont want to do or to happen. If who else opposed to me and asked her say sorry to me, I will one lifetime wont forgive that person, including you.'

Emily laughed and said

'Har! Clar! You got bi yao dui wo jiang jue meh? Hahahaha!'

I said

'Wont, because I know you wont do things to opposed me.'

She said

'Of course lah! We are one country ones, I will always support you, forgot to tell you, 2-3 months ago I saw pn lye leh, she became very old already, she old until I got a bit pity her leh!'

When she said like that,

both of us even laughed uncontrollable till the whole starbucks people were starring at us.

I laughed and said

'Hahahaha! Old until I got a bit pity her! Funny! I really cannot tahan !'

She said

'Anah! Her face zou zou ones... like dog face like that! When I saw her, I still tested her reaction, shout her Pn Lye one sound leh haha! She like that, one hand up and said ah ah ah then quickly went away haha! Maybe she knew I knew the things between both of you then she very paiseh, dont dare face me haha.'

I said

'I dont know, I one year just come back once. So the last time I saw her was this year February, that time I saw her face still normal leh.'

She said

'Now very old edi lo... like lao ah ma like that, old like hell... suddenly old ones... because the last time I saw her was 2-3 months ago, means the time you at Australia.'

I said

'Maybe lo... I one year just come back once, maybe the time I not around, she turned old I didn't see it. But how to say her face became very old? She not from the very beginning I form one in school, her face already old old like now?'

She said

'Anah! Cha bu duo her old is maintain lah, but I mean her face can see out got a lot of worries.'

I said

'Anoh! Hung Kiat also said the same thing as you, hung kiat said when she talked, she frowned and talked, like a lot of worries like that. He said last time she talked very energetic and brave ones... he said now became very soft and frowning all the way.'

She said
'You havent see her meh?'
I said
'Havent, but after hung kiat told me she turned old and seems like got a lot of worries, I got noticed from facebook picture lah, I noticed from facebook pictures her smiles all look bian tai bian tai ones... all very broad teeth, but now the way she smiled became narrower already and look pity pity like that ...'



She said
'Anoh anoh! Wah Clar, you have a very keen observation leh, from the way a person smiled also you can know a person changed already.'
I said
'Actually after I heard hk said her person changed already, became more worries edi, plus after I saw the facebook her latest picture, my heart got a very strong guiltiness to sympathize her, I keep blaming myself in heart that I am the one who cannot forget the past then implicate her. Then now plus heard you said like this, the more I sympathize her, but on the contrary, I still keep on tell myself, dont let my own guiltiness harm me in the future, I keep thinking I pity her is equals to harming myself, because I dont know why I cannot trust her, I feel like no matter how I sympathize her, she will betray me unexpected in the future.'
Emily said
'Clar I think you got too serious dark shadow towards her, so you need to change a perspective towards her character, you must think she no longer like past any more and think trust her.'
I said
'But you think bad people will changed ones meh? Chloe told me bad people dont have conscience ones... she said they wont changes ones because they already used to, so they wont feel bad on themselves.'
Emily said
'Will... bad people will changed until they reached a certain limit or certain age.'
I said
'Anoh anoh! My mum also said like that, why you said the same thing as myt mum? My mum said either one person reached a certain age or they did bad things until a certain boundary, they will think themselves very bad.'
Emily said
'Anah! Every human will ones... you never see mostly bad people are young ones... 20 plus or 30 plus... until 40 plus lesser... then 50 plus very rare edi.... because that is human nature...'
I said
'I tell you, my mom told me yesterday got a malay robber very bad, at kota laksamana, he kicked a pregnant woman's stomach when he snatched handbag... then I asked my mum : Why that robber wont think himself very bad and changed? Then my mum said because he still young and havent old...'
Emily said
'Anah! Another reason is because the bad thing he did haven't accumulate till a limit.'
I said
'Then you think pl reached the age of reflection or her wrongdoing reached a boundary?'
Emily said
'Both lah, she 50 plus years old edi still not old enough meh ? And she beat you until like that still not reach limit ah?'
I said
'Also true... got a bit pity her... but I keep thinking my sympathy to her will definitely cause harm or regret in my future... i keep thinking she dont care I sympathize her ones, sure take chance harm me or beat me like last time ones. So when my heart sympathized her, I will remind myself to be stronger. But when I observed she changed already, I really felt a lot of sadness in my heart, because I keep thinking I own self cannot forget the past then implicate till other people.'
She said
'Aiya both also pity lah, if not she caned you on add math day in the first place then wont have matters today. You also cant blame yourself. Sometimes things are unavoidable, happened already means happened already. Who also cant change the facts.... your pity is you cannot forget the past edi still let her everyday tortured until like that, from you form 3 until form 5, from form 5 until now, think back what you gone through everyday also pity, for her, her pity is just like she had killed a person, that death person spirit keep finding her everyday. But if compared the seriousness between both of you, you will gone through more suffering than her lah... because your suffered is physically and emotionally suffered, she dont have physical suffered but just emotionally suffered only haha! So you still rugi and suffered more than her...'



I said
'Anoh! Actually I also got think of this before, I very want to tell her : Please dont beat me, you can do whatever I did to you, I round your house and put stone at your house, the most you put stone at my house and round my house lo....'
Emily nodded her head very fast and said
'Yes yes yes! True true true! You should tell her this way earlier, so you wont rugi.... because very obviously you suffered more than her, for her, she wont suffered anything if she ignored your presence, because impossible you will beat her until how she beat you mah..... you got that force and that heart meh? hahahaha!'
I said
'Haiz... but still, when I saw one person changed because of me, I will feel very remorse ones....;
She said

'Anah! She turned old a lot. When you come back until now one week already, you din saw her real person meh?'

I said

'I went her house only, but I never face-to-face saw her real face. Got one time I saw her in the morning, but I never wear spec, so can't see clearly, just see someone blur blur wearing pink color only, but cant see whose face is that.'

She said

'You short sighted or astimagtism?'

I said

'Both....'

She said

'How many power?'

I said

'Both around 100 plus.'

She said

'Oh same with me! When I didn't wear spec also blur blur ones... cant see ones...'

I said

'Haha! I go out I dont want wear spec, very ugly! I scared people laughed at me very ugly!'

She said

'OMG clar! You are totally changed ! I realized after you went Australia, you everything changed, fashion taste changed, perspective changed and matured a lot, more picky already. Last time you everything dont care ones, clothes simply wear ones. Now will choose the nice ones and wear already.'

I said

'You said me, you also!'

She said

'Some more last time because of add math, every day never go school and dropped out MMU. Now still can get distinction some more! But I want to know why your perfectionism getting serious and serious? What happened? I saw your blog, why you keep on want to get distinction?'

I said

'Because when I attained distinction, I will tell myself I am getting further and further away from my dark shadow, I want prove to myself, with the trauma of math, I can successfully survive in another path, you know that kind of meaning?'

She said

'Knew knew knew! Eh! Now you think super a lot leh.... Haiz... miss the moment when we got no worries in school, everyday either you come and find me or I go and find you.'

I said

'I tell you, now I very scared know? I got another subject, the lecturer failed me from distinction because I left the classroom after presentation, now I very regretted leh.'

She said

'Har! So kua zang meh? I think too kua zang edi lah! Left the classroom earlier, straight changed your distinction to failed?'

I said

'Anah! Now I appealed to her and changed my final grade.'

She said

'I think can changed ones lah! Too minor problem already... Cannot simply failed people ones leh, I think she intimidated you ones....'

I asked

'Now I really dont know what to do, you got face this type of problem before or not?'

She said

'Clar, now I understand best friend really tong bing xiang lian... last time I also kena one time... the tutorial class very boring, I straight ran out the class go Bukit Beruang eat dim sum, then my friends all sampat ones, they go and told lecturer that Emily ran out class go eat dim sum, then the lecturer failed me tutorial and restricted me go final exam know? Then after I go and see her then nothing edi lah, but yours is too exaggerating already! Sneak out class only straight failed you in final grade. Why you will went out ones?'

I said

'Same as what you said lo... very boring... because I am the first one who presented, then after I presented, I straight went away edi, then I heard they said that lecturer mentioned in class failed me from distinction, I very sad know? The presentation speech all I memorized ones...'

She said

'Aiya, I think can ones lah, so small problem only, you simply bluffed her you come period and stained your clothes lah.... last time I also bluffed my tutor like that, then nothing edi....'

I said

'Hahaha! I bluffed her I got learning and teaching unit appointment !'

She said

'What is that?'

I said

'Means our uni got one service to get assist with homework help! Hahaha! If I want to get assignment extension, I also used this reason, I said I got appointment with learning and teaching unit appointment on the previous day of submission then I told them I need more time haha! All approved!'

Emily laughed and said

'Wah Clar! Can't see out you so smart edi hahahaha!'

I said

'Haha! You also! Came period stained clothes also not bad hahahaha!'

She said

'You smarter leh, last time a lot of gbs teachers said you very smart ones....'

I said

'You also! Last time I played in canteen, I heard Ashraff told those malay men teachers, he said me: Dia ada satu best friend itu Emily law, perangai gila tapi result semua best! Tau?.... he asked those malay teachers...'

Emily laughed and said

'Hahaha! I knew he told Ramli that wore songkok ones I knew... and I knew why he said so already, because last time I always disturbed him by corrected his pronunciation, hahaha! Then he always said me perempuan gila!'

I said

'He also always called me perempuan gila! Or Siao Cha bo! He taught me English last time, he called me perempuan gila in class! Hahaha!'

She said

'Anah! Ashraff always like that ones... he called me perempuan gila then I will disturbed him, said he got pronoun incorrectly hahaha. I remembered last time we went in bengkel then he said: Dua perempuan gila dah datang! hahahaha! You still remembered?'

I said

'Dont remembered... Then when you correct him English he wont shy meh?'

She said

'He just smiled and smiled and say nothing. Men's teacher still ok, if female teacher very sensitive ones... like Chong Swee Keng, last time her bra straps dropped already, then I gave her signal and implied her to pull up, she one week never talk to me!'

When she said like that,

I even can't stop laughing and said

'Hahahaha! She angry you or shy?'

Emily said

'I think is both... angry plus shy, normally when she saw me will smiled ones, after I implied her to pull up her bra straps, she dont dare to look at me and never talk to me for one week.'

I laughed and said

'Anah! Last time I got heard ah yap said before hahaha... he said Chong Swee Keng asked you stand up and read, then you sun bian pulled her bra straps when you stand up.'

She said

'Anah! I always pulled up her bra straps when I saw dropped down ones....'

I said

'Hahaha those unmarried ones also like that ones... more sensitive....'

She said

'Eh when mentioned till unmarried, you know Judy?'

I said

'Knew lah! Why?'

She said

'You knew she patto already or not?'

When she said like that,

both of us even crazy laughing in the starbucks, 

everyone were seriously starred at us.

I said

'Har!!! Dont frightened me! Hahahahaha! She patto with who?'

She said

'You know that science lab Peter Yeo?'

I said

'Har she patto with peter yeo? Dont laugh die me!!!! Hahahaha!'

She said

'No, she patto with Peter Yeo's best friend, that short short dark dark ones....'

Both of us even screamed and laughed uncontrollably in Starbucks when Emily said like that,

Hahahaha!

I said

'OMG!!! Really surprised! But that short also unmarried ones?'

She said

'Unmarried ones lah! Hahahaha!'

After I got this surprising news,

the first person I told Huay ling about this,

Huay Ling laughed at Judy but she doesn't know who is the science lab staff.

After that I told Emily,

I laughed and said

'Hahaha! Just now I told my sister about Judy patto with science lab staff. She laughed but she dont know the science lab staff at all, I said peter also she said she dont know.'

Emily laughed and said

'Hahaha! Of course lah! All these science lab staffs, normal people wont know ones, only people like us will know! Hahahaha~!'

I said

'Ei.... wait wait wait, how come you will know science lab staff ones? How you know them ones?'

Emily said

'Hahaha! Because last time I always break test tubes or those apparatus then paid money to him until recognize edi!'

I laughed and said

'zha dao! Hahaha like that also can recognized.... you break how many times edi? 10 times got or not?'

She said

'Hahahaha! I think more than that, I think 20 times also got... so I always signed after I paid then I knew all the science lab staffs already.... then how you knew him ones? Also break test tubes?'

I said

'I not break test tubes, I because always sneaked in science lab and played, like sneaked in the room beside chemistry lab and played the apparatus then always saw him inside then recognized edi....'

She laughed and said

'Really! Hahaha you asked normal people, they dont know ones....'

I said

'I told Christina about Judy and science lab staff also, she dont know also hahahaha..... But how you know they patto ones?'

She said

' My friend told me ones... My friend saw they patto at kota laksamana food court...'

I said

'Anah! Judy stayed at kota laksamana mah... Last time I went her tuition and she kicked me out already....'

Emily said

'Ya lo ya lo... she also kicked me out... why she keep on kicked people out ones....'

I said

'Dont know...  maybe she got kicked many people out but I dont know.... hahaha!'

Well,

if I have time I will blog about more interesting secrets especially in relationship!

LOL! Awaiting for their surprising marriage news perhaps?

Good night world :D