Perfectionism

It's very hard to umpire my exact personality,

I used to be someone who lives under expectation and evaluation of others.

I have a morbid to think that I am not a perfect person; I have uncountable flaws and I am always weren't good enough.

Life is just like a grammar mistake,

 you will definitely failed to spot or omitted the very negligible details without knowing.

I often had a bad perception to think that I am imperfect in all perspectives;

whether in materialism, academically or relationships. 

Exam results still have not distribute yet;

my heart is full of worries and I keep thinking that I will attain not good enough,

I felt that I am the only one who perceive myself as lousy but not others?

Everyone used to response me

'Can already lah, you want how?'

This caused I am thinking that how much or how high I want?

When recalled back many conversations....

(The first conversation)

I told mommy

'Angry that Hung Kiat! He spoiled my birthday bash and because of him, my birthday party is imperfect. Dont you think my birthday party very laoya?'

Mommy said

'Very good already, I showed papa your birthday party, papa even said: Ah Ching organized till not bad. Don't blame hung kiat, really, your birthday organized till like that considered very good already!

I said

'But dont know why I still think as not good? I think look like laoya laoya!'

Mommy said

'Wont lah! Where got laoya? Hilton hotel, 5 star hotel leh! And the decorations all very nice!'

I said

'But I still feel like others will think very laoya, like cincai cincai prepared like that...'

Mommy said

'No la! You thinking too much, you want how good? Like this still not enough?'

(The second conversation)

I asked Chloe

'Eh, do you think Ted Baker very lousy?'

She said

'Wont lah, you go Pavillion look at the price, cincai cincai clothes at least need RM 1K plus... Ted Baker consider very geng already....'

I said

'Dont know why I keep feel like I am using all lousy things and keep on want to buy more quality things to make myself feel contented?'

She said

'I tell you, because you are a person who seeking perfectionism, you are the only one who would feel that way, but not others. Last time I read book got mentioned before, all your signs are the symptoms of perfectionism, no matter how good already still think own self not good enough ones.'

I said

'I also dont know why this feeling is stronger and stronger, I keep thinking I am very lousy and the things all I used are not good enough, I start buying from Longchamp to Ted Baker, from Ted Baker to Coach, from Coach to Michael Kors, from Michael Kors to Prada at the end.'

She said

'Seriously, because you are suffered from perfectionism, you already good enough, but you will feel that you are still not good enough and seeking higher aim.'

I said

'But I will also thinking that others will think me lousy....'

She said

'Where got? Walao! You want how good oh? Like that can already lah.....'

(The third conversation)

I asked hk

'Eh, do you think I am the kind of people who dont know study?'

He asked

'Wont ah, I still want to say in everyone's impression, your study very geng ones.'

I said

'I not thinking so, I think myself very lousy, dont know study at all.'

He asked

'Weird, why you think yourself that way?'

I said

'Because I keep feel the marks I gotten still not good enough, always got around 60 plus to 70 plus like that, then think myself is the kind of people who dont know study.'

he said

'High enough already lah, you want how high? 100% meh?

I said

'Not 100% lah, around 90%.'

He said

'Tell you the truth lah, this one David Fisher also got told me before, he said you are the person who seeking for perfectionism, no matter how good already you will still think as not good ones. Even you got 90%, you will still blame yourself for not getting 100% ones. Trust me! Because you are a person who seeking for perfectionism.'

When Hung Kiat said that,

I am absolutely agreed from what he said,

I recalled of form 5 EST exam,

we got 30 multiple choices questions to answer.

I got 3 wrongs out of 30 questions, thus I gotten 90% for that EST paper.

When I saw lye chuin li got 90%, same mark as me,

I keep disturbed her; laughed at her without any reason to anger her.

Apparently feel nothing but when I went back home, I got a intense feeling of guilt,

I keep thinking I not supposed to circled B, should circle D as in initial. 

I blamed myself for rubbed off the initial answer,

and for the rest two answers,

I keep thinking I could get 100% if I read the texts properly!

I am thinking is this what Hung Kiat meant?

If you have attained 90%, you will definitely think of wanting 100%,

because that's problem with your perception of satisfaction.

At the same time, I recalled one of the time,

I got 78% for my chemistry paper during form 4,

I keep sighing for two more marks I got 80%.

I keep on looked at the same question and blamed myself,

I blamed myself for making careless mistake despite I knew the answer,

I knew the drawing of formula, I knew it supposed to have 5 bonds of CH3,

but my absent minded made me drew 4 out of 5.

Or else,

I know the formula of alcohol is CH3CH2OH,

but when I calculated out the answer,

I even omitted the OH, Hydrogen peroxide as the last compound;

means just calculated CH3CH2 without adding OH.

My careless mistake is ridiculous enough till Evelyn Wong laughed at my careless brain,

she even chuckled and asked me

'hahaha! Where is your OH? Swallowed? So careless! If without these careless mistakes, you can get 80+.'

Indeed,

I aware that my carelessness make me failed to become a perfect person,

I always had a lot of unavoidable mistakes;

I got all sorts of careless mistakes in almost all paper,

vividly recalled,

when Pn Lim reviewed my add math paper at tuition,

she spotted question of integration,

she even said

'Eh! On top all correct already, where is your last part rotation 180 degree?'

I said

'I read the question wrongly, I read until spin a circle, so I thought is 360 degree. So I didn't do rotation integration. Because 360 degree is equals to original final equation.'

Pn Lim even shocked and said

'You ah! Read properly, HALF CIRCLE!!!! 10 marks gone! Very careless ones this girl !'

Or else,

my level of carelessness can achieved till the level of I got the entire correct steps,

but copied wrong answers from the calculator!

That is why Pn Lim described me as 'Ki Siao' ! LOL !

But still,

regardless of what is the sources to caused I am a imperfect person,

I used to blamed myself; blamed for my carelessness and think I am not good enough.

Hung Kiat answered me

'Exam is like that ones what, everybody sure will get wrong because of careless mistakes. Sure got careless mistakes ones, if someone dont have careless mistakes, all 100% already lo.'

I said

'But dont you think my careless mistakes is too over already? I can get very high mark ones... all loose marks to those careless mistakes, calculated the correct answers, but copied the wrong answer from calculator?'

He even laughed and said

'hahaha! Got a bit lah! Mostly people get wrong because of dont know how to do, you wrong because of copied the wrong answer from calculator! Quite funny!'

I said

'You think why I like that ones? All subjects also I like that ones?'

He said

'Maybe you do too fast, will make a lot of careless mistakes.'

I said

'yes yes yes! I do very fast ones.... always earlier 30 minutes finished up ones...'

He even laughed and said

'hahaha! Hyperactive people take exam! Hyperactive speed! But, not bad already lah, all 70 plus marks.... my class people, pass also dont know got or not?'

I said

'Your class people result how ones?'

He said

'All 20 or 30 plus lo.... those very hardworking ones maybe got around 40% haha.'

I said

'So if I come to your class, I not number 1? Haha!'

He said

'Can say like that lo, you never see last time form 2, you come to 2E class, you get number 1? Haha!'

I said

'hahaha! Last time I will dropped to 2E is because form one I dont know will dropped class ones, I think no matter what marks I get, I will still in 2C next year, then I feel very lazy to answer the exam questions, just simply answered a few questions and run out the class. Hahaha!'

He even laughed and said

'Hahaha! Zha dao! You dont know will drop class ones... Funny!'

I said

'Anah! Form 2 when Teo Kah Chye called me go 2E, I terperanjat, because normally people dropped class just dropped one class, I dropped two class. hahaha!'

He said

'Then at last how?'

I said

'No how lo... since dropped already dropped.  Then just suan liao lo since all classes also the same ones... '

He said

'Funny! Last time form 2, when you get number 1, everyone shocked! Maurice and Desmond they all said: Dont play play hor! You dont see Ngoh Huay Ching everyday not in class, her study very geng ones hor!'

I said

'I think my result just average only, not until very geng, because that time form 2, I never put very great effort, last time I never study at home ones, I just simply answered the questions I knew only.'

He said

'Then until when only you got start studying at home?'

I said

'Form 4.... because form 4 got chemistry, physics, bio, add math all those... too many subjects already. And I still got take seni. So a lot of things to memorize... lagi got moral leh, 30 moral nilai to memorize... plus, subjects like physics and chemistry, must use time go and understand ones mah, because got logical sequence ones... so when form 4 only I start studying....'

He said

'hahaha! I just remembered last time form 2, when you get number 1, everyone shocked! Because Lisa and Xiang Yun, everyday keep sit in class ones, very hardworking ones also lose to you. Then everyone very amazed...'

I said

'But I just get number 1 for once only, final year I got number 3.'

He said

'Zha dao! I still remembered when Adlee asked us who get number 1, we all said AH Ngoh, he terperanjat ! He said dia berpura-pura tak tau baca bahasa melayu, abis dapat nombor satu pulak?'

I said

'Anah! Because last time form 1, I also told him I dont know malay, because he keep ask me stand up and read in class, very shy to read alone among so many people, so just tell him: Saya tak tau baca...'

he said

'But still very funny leh Adlee's reaction... Last time when he knew you get number 1, he Ah one sound! hahaha!'

I said

'But I still think myself average only lah, not that geng as in everyone's impression.... geng means all 100% marks... I where got? I just get around B only....

He said

'But in secondary school level, can get B considered very geng... my brother now comes up to secondary school level, last time all get A ones... now all failed... my mum said his science only 19 marks... the highest mark is English, only around 50 plus....'

I said

'He never study at home?'

He said

'Got lah! But too difficult already, he study international school, harder.... so that is why you can get around 70 consider very good already, some more now can study until Australia, you still think not enough, should contented... what I want to say is a lot people and a lot people worst than you, you still not appreciate. Dont say admit into Australia University, some people Malaysia local ones also cannot enter...'


I said
'Will reject ones meh?'
He said
'Will lah!'
I said
'Who?'
He said
'My friends from my class lah, they apply MMU, they cannot meet the entry requirements then MMU rejected them... got a few lah... so you can go until Australia University... very good already... you still expect what?'

I said

'Wah! now you teach me a lesson lah?'

He laughed and said

'hahaha! No la... I just want to tell you that not because of you not good enough, because you wont be contented no matter how pretty marks you get.'

I said

'I just feel like I am lousy than a lot of people, then I just think I am not good enough.'

He said

'To be frankly, I think your level is got people better than you, but most people lousy than you. Means you are consider above average.'

I said

'Got people get perfect ones? means 100% ?'

He said

'Got... Emily lo... but very less lah... gifted ones... maybe among 1 form only got 1 person like her... haha! 

i said

'You think 1 form got around how many people?'

He said

'1 form ah... I think around 300 lo... means among 300 people only got 1 people like that... so you are consider very good already, dont keep thinking you are not good enough.

I said

'Then you think how many people are better than me and how many people are poor than me?'

he said

'You ah... Just like what I said just now, around 20% better than you and 75% people lousy than you. You see, got a lot people failed in their SPM, a lot cant get in uni and straight go work. So you consider very good already.'

I laughed and said

'hahaha! Including you. 3 Credits only, cannot hit the entry requirements of university.

he laughed and said

"Haha! can say like that lo... so its time to feel contented, dont expect for more, in everyone's impression, you are very geng already.'

I said

'Aiya, those people, because they want to get higher marks than me, so they just pretend say I am very geng enough  and make me produce lesser effort, then they can get higher marks than me.'

He said

'No la... Maurice, Desmond they all where got care marks ones? They say it true-heartedly. They really think you very geng that is why they said you very geng. And not only students say, I remembered last time got a lot teacher got said you study very geng leh....'

I laughed and said

'Hahaha! Now I am laughing got which teacher said me geng? I like this called Geng? OMG! I think they are lack of experience in teaching quality students...'

He said

'A lot lah, from what I remembered is Adlee lo, Pn Fang lo, Ee Bee Fong lo, Viva lo... and I think Siew also got said before... and some more I think that dark dark ones, Pn Sio ah? She also got said before, see... so many teachers said you are geng, so its your problem of self evaluation...'

I said

'haha! Siew, Ee Bee Fong, Viva and Pn Sio also never teach me before... they simply heard and said ones la... But siew got teach you before meh?'

He said

'no la.. last time form 4 he ganti class, then when you passed by, he told us, dont see you everyday walked walked walked, exam come out A ones... hahaha!'

I said

'Hahahaha! Then I knew why he said like this already, because last time form 3, when PMR result come out, he asked me how many As I get mah, I said 3A, 3B, 2C. Then he keep laughing with Cik Yeow... he said : This one everyday walked can pop out 3As.... But I dont think 3A is good... I think average standard only.'

He said

'Aiya, can get A you think very easy meh? At least must know more than 80% things only get A, you everyday walked, people thought you never study and dont know the answer mah.'

I said

'I got books at home mah, I bought from popular... I saw those book cover printed with PASTI A ! Then I bought! Haha! Come out really pasti A !'

He said

'Aiya! bluffed ones lah! My class also got people bought those reference books with the printed cover PASTI A ! When result come out, no A also...'

I said

'Ya meh? Not necessarily ones?'

He said

'No lah... depends on people ones.... My mum also got bought for me all those books Pasti A ! When result come out also failed ! hahaha!'

I said

'How I know? I just saw the book wrote pasti A and I thought really can get A if I bought, then really get A after I used that book... I very lazy to study ones... I straight copied the answers behind into questions infront and memorized... then exam come out, I knew the answers...'

He said

'Whatever your study way lah... I mean people will think you everyday walk, can get A consider very amazing already... that is why last time Viva also said dont play play with you haha! He told us in class when you passed by, he said : Jangan main main! Ini hyperactive genius, gila jalan, tapi result dia pun gila punya! Semua soalan dia tau!'

I said

'haha! I knew why he said like that already lah, because last time form 4, he guiding those form 3 indians do KH papers in canteen mah... then last time I always go canteen play ones... then when I saw a lot of indian girls at there, I keep on disturbed them, simply talked meaningless Indian language to them, like I said : Gilengia nalinggia.... like that... haha then Viva also at there mah, he asked me: Ngoh! Ini apa jawapannya?.... then coincidence I knew the answer lah, I said ini B, ini D... something like that lah, then after that, he flipped through the answers, both answers really correct, then he thought I like very geng like that... Haha! He thought I all knew...'

he said

'haha! Anah! he told us you everything also knew.... he said: Jangan main main!'

I said

'Because coincidence he asked me about KH mah, KH coincidence I got A in PMR, that is why I still remembered the answers....'

He said

'Oh ya! Still got another one person, I remembered Cik tan also got said before, she said you very geng in study ones...'

I said

'Who Cik Tan? I dont know her also...'

He said

'Tan Siok Leng...'

I said

'Oh Tan Siok Leng I knew! She retired when we were form 3. She also never teach me before, simply said ones lah....'

He said

'Anah! Last time form 3, she taught me moral, then when you passed by our class she will asked you come in and stand in our class, she said because you no need study also can scored very high ones, that is why she said she just dont let you simply run, then just asked you come in our class and stand whenever she saw you passed by.'

I said

'Got meh? I dont remembered she asked me come your class and stand, I just remembered whenever she passed by me, she always said : You walked some more lah I tie you up ones... like that only...'

He said

'haha! Maybe she said like that more than she asked you stand in our class, so you only remembered her favourite quotation....'

I said

'Then she asked me stand in your class how many times already?'

He said

'A lot of times already lah... got 4-5 times already....'

I said

'I already forgot my craziness hahaha!'

he said

'Oh ya! Still got Alex! Alex also got said before you very geng in study! He told us in mandarin, he said you no need study, all answers get correct ones... but Alex got teach you before meh? Why he will told us you all answers get correct ones?'

I said

'He never teach me before, but last time form 1, whenever he caught me outside the class, he always asked me followed him mah, then I said I dont want because wasting my time... then he will take out textbook and said : You do this one and this one finish then you can go... after he asked me to do, he left the staff room, then around 5 minutes like that,  when he come back the staff room I disappeared already. Then I think he got mark the questions after I left lah... Maybe all correct he think I very geng haha!'

He said

'Zha dao where you go?'

I said

'I finished already lah, I go back already.... because I knew if I do slowly and when he comes back, if he still saw I still doing, sure he will add works ones, sure he said: After this, do this some more... then I quickly done and go... then he told me on the next day when he saw me, he said: Wah! Yesterday 5 minutes bu jian ren ying ah! All corrects some more! Hahaha!'

He said

'What he asked you to do?'

I said

'English questions lo... he took dont know whose English textbook and asked me do 2 sections... around 10 questions like that lah...'

He asked

'Alex got teach English meh?'

I said

'No... I also dont know whose textbook he took? He asked me sit at Thomas Wee place and do... then I knew if he comes back and saw me still sit there, he sure said: After this, do this... Then I straight quickly write down the answers and left hahaha....'

Hk asked

'Then you got read properly and answered ones or simply wrote and left ones?'

I said

'Got answered properly ones lah, that is why he said me all corrects... maybe he really got checked answers after I left lah...'

He said

'What he asked you to do?'

I said

'Something like comprehension, like read the texts and answer questions ones... from form 1 English textbook ones.... he every time asked me do different thing ones... sometimes asked me to do math...'
He said
'Why he always asked you to do things?'
I said
'How I know? because he always saw me outside the class and laughed mah, then maybe he see I nothing to do lo... find things let me do...'
He said
'What math he asked you to do?'
I said
'PMR math lo... last time form 1, he asked me to do you know calculate degree ones? Parallel and alternate degree ones? Got a lot of complicated lines ones... they find the X or Y angles?'
He said
'Dont know... last time I never study ones...'
I said
'Then form 3, he asked me to do simultaneous equation... haha! All easy ones! That is why every time 5 minutes I hilang already! All done!'
He said
'Alex got teach math meh?'
I said
'No....'
He said
'Then he asked you to do, he knows the answer correct or wrong meh?'
I said
'He skipped the steps and looked at the final answer lah... steps sure he dont know lah, but can get until answers means I know how to do lah...'

He said

'Ohhhh!  he never told us about he asked you do so many things... he just told us you no need study and everything can get correct only...'
I said

'Aiya! You go and listen his bullshit, he asked me to do that comprehension only, all answers also from the texts... for example the text wrote From South America, then the answer not from South America lo... got what difficult?'

He said

'Anah! But can get all corrects and within 5 minutes complete consider very geng already...'

I said

'Aiya... PMR level English sap sap sui ones lah... you try come my university English level, I think one sentence also you cant understand...'

He said

'But, you that time form 1 mah, form 1 people doing form 1 work, can get all correct means beyond your age standard already.... and last time at James Ho tuition, James Ho also said you no need study also can scored A in exam ones, that is why he said he dont care you... hahaha!'

i said

'Haha! Last time I at James Ho tuition how?'

He said

'Very hyper lah, last time form 3, you keep playing when he teaching, play ping pong, took duster rubbed his white wall, some more lighter put on the table, you light up the fire and burned his champion... he said you too hyper already, he cannot teach the class, then he just locked you in the room, let you play ping pong alone, when after class only he unlocked you. Then we asked him: You locked her in room, she no need learn meh? Then he answered us: She no need study ones... her level already exceed A... her vocab very strong, all words you dont know she knew ones... I just locked her in room also she can scored A ones....'

I said

'Walao! He really said this cruel thing? Why I didn't heard?'

He said

'He told us when you played ping pong inside the room... the most funny is he locked you in the room for 2 hours, you can played yourself in the room for that 2 hours, he said that is what he admired you the most! hahaha!'

I said

'Actually I think my standard not say already exceed A, I think I am just average only... because last time my English is good, so ngam ngam they tested till my English, so they think I very geng no need study like that... But actually I am not.'

He said

'For me, last time I also not close with you already heard so many people said you no need study also can know everything, I think you own self will heard more than me bah?'

I said

'For me, the people I heard from is different from you, for GBS school teachers, I heard is Pn Salmiah (Transferred teacher), Judy lo, Scored A physics tuition teacher lo, Form 4 add math tuition teacher lo, that one he kicked me out already, that is why I went Pn Lim tuition... and Canteen auntie lo...'

When I said like that,

Hung Kiat even laughed can't stop and said

'Hahahaha! Canteen Auntie??? Sampai Canteen Auntie also knew? Funny! Why canteen auntie will said? Laugh die me! Suddenly pop out one canteen auntie! Hahahaha!'

I said

'I dont know... that time got one malay canteen auntie, she scolded me first, then after that, I everyday go and disturbed her, like took her things and made her come and chased me, then another young one asked her: Dia tiap tiap hari kacau sini tak paya belajar ke? Then she answered: Dia ni pakar chemistry! Dia takya belajar sudah pandai, semua dia tau!'

Hung Kiat bend down his eyebrow and asked

'How she know? Weird ! Or your chemistry teacher told her?'

I said

'Maybe lo... I form 4, Siti Zuriani teach me chemistry, maybe malay and malay got berborak lo...'

He asked

'Who is Siti Zuriani?'

I said

'There... that one... short short ones... teach chemistry ones...'

he said

'How i know? So many short ones, Azati also very short....'
i said

'hahaha! Funny! That teacher can understand Chinese ones... Ang Say Wei say her short, she knew... She said: Dont laughed at me because I am short, at least I got a chemistry cert from UM.... har! Dont play play!  when she said like that, whole class laughed! hahahaha!'

he said

'She just understand a bit or a lot Chinese?'

I said

'A lot lah, like very long sentences also she knew... like when people asked each other about the question in chinese, she overheard, then she said: Because this one got chemical reaction to this one then blah blah blah....'
Hung kiat said

'Wah! Geng wor! Funny! not only know Chemistry, still knew Mandarin, what a proud Malay! but I dont know is who...'

I said

'You dont know ones lah, she teach science class only because she only teach Chemistry...'

he said

'Oya ! I still knew another one who said you no need study also very geng already, Aziz!'

I even laughed and said

'hahaha! Who is Aziz? Heard also never heard before.'

he said

'He teach art class only and never teach science class ones, that is why you dont know...'

I said

'Then how come he knew me this person?'

Hk even laughed and said

'hahaha! Because you are too famous, he not even know you, he some more know you no need study also very clever already. When he teaching, he saw you passed by our class, then he said: Tengok perempuan ni ! Dia gila hyperactive, tapi belajar pun gila juge! Semua bagus bagus!'

I said

'OMG! Some more know I hyperactive?'

He said

'Anah!'

I said

'Hahahaha! I just dont understand why must add the word of gila in front of hyperactive.... last time form 3 Ashraff teach me English, he also said me gila hyperactive... last time form 3, I always not in the class, then Mei Huey told me that when I was not in the class class, he said in class: Dia ni gila hyperactive, tapi result dia semua bagus, jadi I tak kisah dia keluar kelas, you semua tak ada hal, jadi keluar kelas mesti ada pass card....'

He said

'he is not discipline teacher also why care for the pass card?'

I said

'He is discipline... '

Hk said

'Ashraff is discipline meh? Which ashraff? tall or short ones?'

I said

'Short ones...'

He even laughed and said

'hahaha! Why I dont know ones??'

I said

'How I know you ? Everyone knew he is discipline.... '

He said

'Why I never heard before ones?'

I said

'Maybe he is not overly care everything like other discipline teacher, so people thought he is not discipline... his pattern like Ong Siew Mei ones... much ignoring ones...'

He said

'Ong Siew Mei is discipline meh? hahahaha! Why I also dont know ones?'

I said

'Ong Siew Mei is discipline leh.... you are sleeping in school....'

He said

'hahaha! I just knew Alex, Siew and Pn lye only.... maybe their voices are loud enough.'

I said

'You know everyday morning we got perhimpunan? We gather in tennis court or padang?'

He said

'Yes.'

I said

'You never heard they announced meh? Ashraff and Ong Siew Mei took mike and talked?'

He said

'Got....'

I said

'Anah! Those teachers who took mike and talked are discipline lah... '

He said

'Ohhhh... I dont know... I thought is their morning duty only...'

I said

'Back to the point, asked you last time, do you think I everything also laoya? To be frankly.'

He said

'really no la... you see! So many people also say you geng already... plus David fisher also said from Facebook, he can noticed your person is perfectionism type ones, so actually you are very good in everything already, but only you yourself think you are not enough, but others never think so.'

I said

'Why David Fisher said my person is perfectionism type ones?'

he said

'Because he said he looked from your facebook pictures and the status you wrote,  everything also used good good ones and go high class places...'

I said

'Why he will suddenly said me perfectionism ones?'

He said

'Because I asked him will I not love you enough because you always complained me.... then he told me that I already loved you enough, but you are the one who seeking for perfect, he said no matter how good I treat you, still got thing for you to complaint ones... he said because this is the people who seeking for perfectionism, they can't accept single flaw... David fisher said the first sign of being perfectionism is they are good enough already but they own self will think they are still not good enough, then I told him yes yes yes, you always said you are not good enough, then he said absolutely, you are the people who are perfectionism type ones.'

I said

'Dont talk about materialism lah, how if academically? Dont you think I still very lousy when compared to others?'

he said

'Really no, very good already, I already told you more than 50% of people lousy than you, you want how good only consider good?'

I said

'But my marks always maintain at 70 something... wont go further....'

He said

'Very good already lah 70 plus, if in my family, got people get 70 something, my parents happy until die edi lo...'

I said

'For your mom, how good consider good?'

He said

'In my family, my sis is the child who most clever in study, her marks are all average 50 plus, my mum keep on praised her, my mum said: You see jie jie! All 50 plus!'

 I said

'Har! 50 plus call good? 50 plus is C leh....'

He said

'Anah! C is good lah, not good meh? C is Credit, can go university edi...'

I said

'Then if I am the child of your family, I not number 1? hahaha! The most geng?'

He said

'Anah! that is why I said you better than a lot people already, dont keep on expect too much... will sot diao ones...'

I said

'You mean perfectionism will sot ones?'

he said

'Will lah, those people who study until crazy, all come from overly seeking for perfectionism.'

I said

'Ya meh? Not depression meh?'

He said

'Anah depression lah, they start from perfectionism first, because no one are perfect, so when they cant get perfect, they become depressed, so at the end, they turned from depression become sot diao... You know Ah Long's brother now sot edi? He studied medical ones... he also because of keep seeking perfectionism, now got schizophrenia already... cannot study any more, everyday stay at home cannot do anything already...'

I said

'His schizophrenia is totally orang gila already or just gila gila having hallucination only?'

He said

'totally gila already lah! Now orang gila already, sometimes when I saw he passed by my shop, he will talked to himself while walking on the street.'

I said

'har! very pity leh... future doctor become orang gila....'

He said

'Anah! That is why you also dont keep thinking want to be better and better and better, really will crazy ones...'

After a very deep self-reflection,

now I did realized that I've did good enough when compared to others,

I decided try not to become such materialistic and stop thinking I am imperfect,

I mean a little abundance of resources are okay but not too excessive in pursuing them;

now I accept that it's perfect to maintain everything in above average norm like now despite it's not the perfect point because I don't wanna be insane!