I am not afraid of tomorrow

Tomorrow will be the 4 years old of add math incident,

just retrieved the birthday cake in this afternoon.

The bakery workers asked me together

'When I opened up the cake, what does it mean of the wording?'

I smiled and answered

'My friends and me are celebrating for the year end tuition of advanced math as well as celebrate after exam.'

Then both of them said together

'Oh I see! Cool ! Great ! Have fun then!'

When I accept the cake,

it is a sort of accepting the past as past,

apparently smiling, inner drying :(

Tomorrow 4.30 pm,

it's time to blow the cake and accept the truth that it has been 4 years away.

It's a blow to my little inner,

but still, I have to accept the past is the past.

Annual visit,

I still will do that since she is shifting.

After she shift,

I won't find her house and do not want to know about her whereabout anymore,

because I don't want myself regret one more time in the future,

I don't want make myself fall into the trap of urge again.

But,

I will still live in the trauma as usual, 

every bits and pieces in this blog about her will still alive,

the daily records about nightmares, hallucinations, illusions or even delusions will still keep in this raining princess 'live and death journal'. 

because I've been used to survive in this kind of dilemma or suffering,

be frankly, without it, I feel harder to survive.

Because when I rewind back,

I prefer to choose the less suffering for me to merely having flashback rather than having the actual pain on the actual moment :(

Absolutely,

this proven that I am still traumatized that I am going to sit on the bench and experience all those :(

Anyway,

I am not afraid at all, not afraid the day she treated me such brutal way, not afraid of her and her images, not afraid of that specific repetitive flashbacks, not afraid of the scary lucid dream, not afraid of lcl, not afraid of jerry and junior, not afraid of anything at all, I wanna prove to her I am the strongest one...