Sad and regret

In this evening about 7 o'clock,

mommy text me and informed me about my cousin had passed away due to high fever which lead to bacteria attacked to her lung.

When I saw the message,

I was shocked;

because it's so sudden that someone just passed away that way, and she is barely 20 this year.

When I heard this deadly news,

somehow I felt pathetic towards the mother than the child,

because I think that for the person who had passed away,

 they passed away without consciousness; they are no longer painful.

But to a parent,

 that might be a life-long pain as they are still alive consciously, 

the news about a leaving of own child to the heaven is so indescribably and awfully heart-wrenching,

just imagine at the moment when a doctor suddenly told you

'Your child has passed away, we already tried our best.'

What will you feel?

It's just so sudden and you do not have any psychological preparation at all,

when mommy told me about that,

the first person whom I pity to, wasn't my cousin, but came to the mother,

because from what I knew,

my this cousin has a sort of innate fever which will caused her often hospitalized,

she since young had been taken medication to control her cough,

she needed to hospitalized when she was high fever,

her mom came from a poor family and my daddy is the one who sponsored her all the medical expenses,

one of the time even sent her to Bei Jing international hospital to cure her illness.

But yet,

God still defined the date of her death and took her up to the heaven.

Honestly,

whenever I knew someone whom I knew passed away,

I won't cry but I will very sad and regretted that I did not treated them well enough when they still survived.

I am so sad and regret now, to be frankly,

 I wasn't ill treated her but I always ignored her when she find me,

because she might be too lonely so she will always find me through FACEBOOK,

she always requested me for an outing with her,

I always pretended did not seen the message and ignored her.

And even, to avoid her interference,

I even pretended never see the friend request that she sent me,

because I worried of once I approve her friend request,

she will keep bothering me and asked me for an outing.

Now,

I really felt deep down regretted her that I used to ignored her when she was still presented in this world,

now she is no more; I feel so sad today.
My heart is so heavy now, I empathized and sympathized her a lot :(

Vividly recalled when we were in primary years,

*She is right two, I am obviously the left 1.

she always hospitalized and lead to poor academic results in school,

when her mom and her came to our house,

her mom would asked me to teach her about any subjects as long as she learned something,

asked me teach her some English words or mathematics multiplication tables. 

But she neither can keep in mind nor understands from what I said,

she just can't absorbed and I just end up playing with others and abandoned her.

When I grown into secondary school, 

we were no longer like primary school any more,

anyhow still would shy when interact too much,

when she wanted to borrowed DVD games from me,

I would said 'Dont have' to avoid sisters blamed me for simply lend things to others.

if she asked me helped her install,

I would said 'No time' to avoid troublesome to go her house.

One of the time, during opened house of our house,

when his brother heard I was speaking to one of my friend through phone,

after I hanged up the phone call,

his brother told me

'Eh! You speaking si si su su, si si su su.... teach Ah Yen a bit lah!'

And I end up a smile and said

'I dont know.'

Generally speaking,

our family, I mean 5 siblings,

everyone of us are avoiding interaction with them (brother and sister),

because they have a highly bothering character which once you bothered them,

they will keep asking you things or bothering you.

So we end up indifferent treatment to them.

Actually, 

this is my indifferent fault and she is the wronged person,

because that is her innate character;

some people when they feel lonely,

 they will just find someone to interact to cure their boredom,

but I just have my bad habit which used to ignored others !

Because I feel very lazy to open my mouth when people talk to me,

I just feel that if I don't talk to her then she won't ask me questions any more.

This why sometimes I used to treated people in an indifferent way.

I am physically active but verbally indifferent which I myself realized is weird too!

Because I just disliked the feeling when the wall of my mouth is opened up;

it will gives me a tiring and slothful sense to talk.

Even Huay Li, when she visited me in Australia,

we came out together had a dinner with my friends,

after the dinner, 

she even asked me behind

'Why you dont care your friends ones?'

I said

'How dont care?'
She said

'Why you eat your own things and never bothered them ones? Haha!'

I said

'Dont care them lah! They knew I sot sot ones... they said I sometimes when hyper very hyper, when emo very emo, so they already used to I like that. Hahaha!'

Huay Li even laughed and said

'Hahaha! Why you so funny ones?'

I said

'Not funny at all, all my friends also knew my pattern like that ones. When I want to talk, I own self will initiate the conversation, if I dont want to talk, I just do my own things, because very tired want to talk. The most funny is last time, when I just came Australia, my friends still not very know my patterns, they said I am the sleeping lion! haha! Normally quiet quiet, once emotional outburst, scold like machine gun!'

She asked

'Why you dont want to talk?'

I said

'Dont know, I feel both sides of my mouth will very tired want to open and close. So I just dont talk then no need open already. Papa said I like this is lazy people, but I also dont know why I like that ones.'

She said

'Anah! Like this is lazy...'
I said

'Why?'

She said

'Normally people who are lazy will like that ones.'

I said

'Last time papa scolded me until I cried, he said my ignorance situation is too kua zhang already, because last time I was alone at home with papa, papa with sleeping, then when his friend pressed house bell, then I picked the phone lo, then he said he wants to find papa and told me he is Raymond, then I just said Oh Raymond, then hang up the phone and continue do my things, never go open gate for him. Then papa very angry me and beat me until I cried, he said he very embarrassed because his friend wait him outside the house for 30 minutes already, he said is like the feeling his friend will think we are unwelcome him.'

She said

'Anah! Papa paiseh mah, his friend will think we dont want open gate for him to come in.'

I said

'But I not purposely dont want to open gate, because I already used to dont care already. I will automatic dont care ones...'

She said

'Anah! Got a bit kua zhang lah... sometimes you too dont care will hurt others.'

Now,

it's time to reflect my indifferent character,

after the passed away of my cousin,

I felt like I should care the world more before I regret another thing in my future,

sometimes I would pondered

'Am I too dont care?'

 I reflected about people around me saying me the same thing,

Kevin told Fabiola

'Cant see out that Clarissa can get credit achiever hor! See her person sha sha like everything dont care dont care ones...'

Chloe told me

'I think your person easy being taken advantages by others because you too dont care already, when people see you like dont care dont care like that, then people just used you since they know you dont care ones.'

Hung Kiat told me

'Haha! Your teaching method is Ho Soo Wong's teaching method, people do what or run out of class he dont care ones, continue talk own self ones only.'

Even lcl also said me that way :(

I told her that

'Your mum just said go back, but didnt say dont come.'

She said

'My mum already told you a lot of times, but you just dont care and end up didn't heard.'

I am thinking is this circumstance causing hurt to her?

But,

I am still thinking in fact I already care a lot, but why people around me still claimed that I am indifferent?

I am thinking what should I do only consider not indifferent?

When I told Hung Kiat about my cousin had passed away,

Hung Kiat asked me

'Which one?'

I said

'Ah Yen.'

He said

'Har! That kanasai ones ah? That one who we saw her at Bukit Beruang Dim Sum shop and shouted you loudly ANAK DATUK ones ah?'

I said

'Ah! That one lah! Just now Malaysia time 2:30pm she died.'

He was shocked and said

'har! How come would suddenly died ones?'

I said

'High fever till bacteria attacked to her lung, like your kakak last time like that, bacteria attacked.'

he asked

'Then her mom never cried meh?'

I said

'haha! You asked the same thing as what I asked my mum just now. My mum said not even cried, cried till PENGSAN!'

He said

'Har! Very pity leh her mom.'

I said

'Ya la! Her mom very loves her ones, I knew her mom always super take care her ones, like saying Ah Yen dont drink cold, ah yen go drink water, Ah Yen dont go air con there... means overprotected her that type ones lah, now suddenly died, I think her mom will remorse ones, like blaming own self didnt take care her well and caused death to her daughter.'

He said

'But got so easy die meh? high fever can die?'

I said

'No lah, she memang got innate lung not good ones, anti-bacteria in her body very low, easy get sick that type.'

He said

'Oh... cant see out ah... see her that day simply shouted you so loud ANAK DATUK!!!! Hahaha!'

I said

'But now I very regret and sad because I think I treated her no good, will you think so or not?'

He said

'Dont think like that lah, because she keep on very noisy, for who also dont like ones, that one is common response to bothering. Plus your person is more live in own world ones, so you will feel more bothering to person like her.'

I said

'Dont know why I feel everything is too sudden, why my mom sms me, I read the message twice and some more replied my mum : Ah Yen?? To ensure is her... finally really is her, she really died.'

He said

'Anah! suddenly get frightened mah, so you got psychological response in asking again.'

I said

'Funny! My mum also very scared I die like that, keep on ask me guai guai, take care all those. She scared I also high fever and die.'

He said

'Of course lah! If I am a parent, I heard other people child die, I also will worry my own child ones, because scared the incident happen on own self mah.'I said

'But my mum sms me twice about guai guai and take care and said money cant buy health all those, like scared I die also. My mum was like very agitated like that.'

He said

'Anah! Because you also knew lah, you got hyperactive, your parents think you dont know take care yourself, later you also high fever at Australia and die how? Because your mom scared the incident happened on her own self.'

I said

'But my parents got 5 children, if 1 die still got 4, but my that cousin, her mom only got 2 children, now left 1 son only.'

He said

'No la... children die sure parents cry ones no matter how many children they have, is natural ones...'

I said

'Why ah? what meaning?'

He said

'I think the meaning is because many years relationship already, maybe a dog die, you will sad, but it still a pet, but if own child die, I think the feeling is worst than a dog die, because own self give birth ones so got strong feeling. Is like the feeling sadder than own self die. Just like if you and your child sink into the sea, if only can save one, you will rather save yourself or save your child?'

I said

'I dont know how other people think, but for me, I will save my child first, because I think I old already, dont have future already, die also never mind. But my child still got many years to survive.'

He said

'Anah! A lot people think like that ones!'

I said

'How you know?'

He said

'My shop customer lo... got one customer talked bout the same thing as you, he said his child die already he very sad, he even cried in front of me, he said he willing to die rather than let his child die, he said because he old enough already, useless already, die also never mind. He said he very sad becaues his child so young then die already.'

I said

'Haha! So I am still consider normal? We are actually doing age-discrimination by ourselves.'

He said

'I think not age lah, not only you, everyone also dont want own child die ones. And also, not depends on how many children you have, for example take your grandma as example, let say she got 9 children, either one of her child die also very sad ones... so your father also, he got 5 children, if you one child die also very sad ones, I think your parents sure very scared sent you to Australia ones, because scared you suddenly die at there.'

I said

'Hahaha! Why you said the same thing as my homestay owner last time? She said if she was my parent, she wont let me oversea alone, because she said I dont know take care myself, its very dangerous to survive without supervision, she said can fall sick easily or die anytime.'

He said

'Har! She straight say die this word ah?'

I said

'Anah! Aiya Amolang is like that ones, they straight forward ones... '

He said

'Anah! But its real lah, from the way you described yourself can know you dont know yourself fall sick ones, you said dont know why my body very hot until when I woke up, whole bet hot like sun, you dont know you are actually fever, you said dont know why my armpits very itchy until I scratched till blooded, you dont know see doctor and dont know what happen and continue scratched, when you got sore throat, you dont know at all, must when we phoned you, heard your voice only we tell you that you are sore throat. You said dont know why my faeces got blood, because you dont know actually you are overly lacking of water. So when people see you dont know dont know like that also scared you can anytime die.'

I said

'But got so easy die meh?'

He said

'Sometimes lah. Because die can be a lot of reasons and die can be any time, nobody knows, just like my kakak last time, my mum everyday beat him, we thought beat only wont die ones, but one day she really die of bacteria attack because the wounds are inflicted by bacteria, you told me Omar and Syaharom die edi, I also shocked, how come people who walked still can die any time? You said Ah Yen die today, I also shocked! How come that day shouted so loud ones also can die so sudden? And Yap Wai Seng, body fit fit ones, eat until so healthy, suddenly get people killed and died. So, died can be a lot of reasons. Maybe you very healthy, but suddenly fall down from a very high place, also can die! So I think your parent know you are hyperactive child, they will more worried you, because you run here run there, who knows next second what will happen on you? Some more your person own self suffered also dont know ones, own self hungry also dont know ones, of course they will worried.'

I said

'haha! I suddenly recalled Ah Keong! Pn Lye's neighbor! He asked Pn Lye: How come she so long never come already? Then Pn Lye said : She went Australia study already now come back for holidays, then Ah Keong terperanjat! Funny! Ah Keong said: Har! She like that can survive at Australia meh?... his reaction sounds like another person die like that! Haha!'

He said

'Anah! For who also will terperanjat! You see for Datin also terperanjat! I think for Pn Lye also will terperanjat when she know you going Australia study lo....'

I said

'How you know?'

he said

'I felt lah... because too inconceivable already. Even me, when you said your father said can let you go Australia study also I har one sound, because his decision is too unpredictable. But I still got 50% of psychological preparation that he will let you go lah, because that time he keep very worrying and telling me: Haiz! The only mafan is she dont know take care herself !'

I said

'Then what you said?'

He said

'Then I told your father: Wont lah! Her homestay owner will look after her ones lah... then your father said still dont know the home stay owner person... dont know is good or bad ones...'

I said

'Got bad ones?'

He said

'Got lah! How we know who is that person and how is that person?  How we know she is another person like Pn Lye? everyday abused you at home not die?'

I said

'Haha! I really never think until so far, I just saw her homestay very cheap and her house very beautiful then I emailed her and requested already.'

He said

'Anah! Your person too innocent already, you only think about the good side, this very cheap, this house is beautiful. How you know about that person is good or bad ones? But for your parent, they will scared, because they knew you got hyperactive and will think until the possibilities of others mistreated you without their knowing, how your parent know if you suddenly die at Australia with published in the newspaper: A 20 years old hyperactive girl died of neglected in a home stay. Haha!'

I said

'Choi choi choi!!! But neglected will die ones meh?'

He said

'Will lah! Never sleep is harder to die ... but if never eat, more easy to die...'

I said

'Also true, My father really like that ones. My father very scared I die from starving ones, when he asked me what I eat for dinner just now, then I said Keropok and Lychee drinks from the can! Then he Har one big sound, and became very agitated, he became talked very fast and said: Cannot ones! You must eat blah blah blah ones, those Keropok wont full ones...'

He said

'Anah! Because your person will let people think you dont know take care your own ones, so people will think you dont know eat and sleep and bath all those.'

I said

'Whenever my parents sent me to Airport, when I went down the escalator which is the place where they go come further any more, my mum will cried until very very miserable, whole face very red and shoulder up and down, up and down...'

He said

'Anah! Scared you die mah... see you everything dont know dont know still go Australia survive alone, she scared you Yi Qu Bu Hui Tou... then she cried lo....'

I said

'But is cried till very kua zhang wor? Is like shoulder up and down, up and down, and keep on bye bye to me until she really really cannot see me any more only they went away.'

He said

'Another reason is because she can only see you once a year lah, so they want to see you until they cannot see you any more only they go away.'

I said

'Haha! Then you think Lye Chuin Li study at KL, Pn Lye also scared she die, then Pn lye also cried with shoulder also up and down, up and down? And cried like somebody passed away like that?'

He said

'No la, Lye Chuin Li at KL, that one still can come back any time, plus lye chuin li know take care her self, so harder to die, so Pn lye wont cry and not that worry as your parents lo.'

I said

'Lye Chuin Li know take care her own ones?'

He said

'I think most probably know lah. Means if Lye Chuin Li at KL, maybe her rental or more complicated things, Pn Lye still can help her settle, but yours is at Australia, all need to done by you ones, because the transaction.'

I said

'But my school fees, my father transferred from Malaysia bank straight to my school bank account.'

He said

'Anah! School fees different saying lah, that one large amount can lah, but let say your rental, $1000 per month, small amount impossible need international transaction mah... So for your parents, I think they quite worry you die in Australia lah... most probably scared you nothing to eat, because in everyone impression, you dont know everything ones.'

I said

'Anoh anoh! Last time Vivian told me that Datin was very surprised, she said: I wondered how Huay Ching survived in Australia? She know how to take care her own meh? Haha! Vivian told me like that.'

He said

'Anah! Because your person give people a sense of too dont care already, like for example, you hungry, then you think ah dont care lah! Morning wake up need brush teeh, ah no need lah! Evening need bath, aiya tomorrow lah! At night need sleep, play game first lah! Hahaha!'

I said

'hahaha I really like that ones... sometimes I think I am still clean, I three day only I took shower.'

Hk even said

'Yerrrrrr!!! (very loud)'

I laughed and said

'hahaha! Dont know why I will feel very lazy to take shower, once of the time when my father asked me: You take bath already or not?? I answered him in phone: Haha! Havent! Now I never pakai baju only wear bra lie on my bed, because my whole shirt stained by the soup, so I scared if I lie on bed, my bed will got the smell of the soup, so I just threw the dirty clothes into basket and lazy to take bath and lie on bed.'

Hk even laughed very loud and said

'Hahaha! Zha Dao! Then what your father said? Funny! You told him you only wear bra and lie on bed!'

I said

'My father just said: Yi Yer! Damn dirty!.... Then I said where got dirty? My body is clean, clothes dirty only!'

Hk laughed and said

'hahaha! Then? What he said? Funny!'
I said

'He just said quickly go bath only.'

He said

'Anah! Your person will let people think you dont know how to survive that type ones, because you too dont care already. Even you suffer of hungriness or tiredness also you dont know or dont care ones.'

I said

'I dont know how to recognized from hungriness or full, because I dont know the feeling in my stomach is consider full or hungry??'

He said

'Hahaha! First time heard people said like that! Funny!'

I said

'You? I dont know which one is hungry and which one consider full.'

He said

'Hungry means you will feel your stomach very empty or got the feeling of sour sour like that, sometimes when you heard got sounds produced from your stomach means hungry, if you are full means when you eat things, very hard to swallow down because inside full already or you will burp one sound.'

I said

'If stomachache leh? Sometimes I got a very sour type of stomachache? That one is full or hungry?'

He even laughed and said

'haha! That one is hungry till dont want hungry already! So your stomach will pain because it digest nothing. That is why I said your person even own self suffer also dont know ones! Stomach hungry until stomachache already still thought is full ! Funny!'

I am so lucky to have this man in my life who will even described in details about differentiating full and hungry,

although it's ridiculous to hear this,

but he is really loves me too much and end up telling me everything seriously.

Daddy had asked me a question ironically yet seriously,

he asked me

'I wondered when you go out with Hung Kiat, who help you wipe snivel?'

I answered him in a serious way,

'Hung Kiat lah.'

When everyone (my whole family) heard even laughed at me altogether in a restaurant,

the first time I seen daddy laughed so loud; he laughed in an uncontrollably way.

I don't know what so funny??!!

but I just thinking in heart

'You can help me wipe snivel, why not others?'

Daddy said

'You are girl, must take care self-image, all girls also like pretty ones, if snivel flow out already quickly took tissue and wipe.'

I said

'But the problem is when my snivel flow out already, my eyes is on my face, I can't see the snivel flow out already!'

Daddy said

'Use sense lah! Like your saliva flow out you know or not?'

I said

'Dont know. I cant see.'

Daddy said

'Not see, see sure is cant see, when you feel got something on your face, means got something flow out already. Dont everything dont care dont care.'

I said

'But I dont feel got anything on my face, like my saliva flow out already also I dont know ones, I also dont know why I cannot feel something flow out ones, because saliva and snivel too light already, so they light until I dont feel the weight on my face. I can only felt tears, because snivel or saliva just flow out once or twice only so I cant feel, but tears keep flowing then I can know.'

When I said like that,

daddy speechless and Huay Ling laughed and said

'Hahahaha! Shen Jing de!'

*Because I always gave a lame argument but at the same time people is speechless from my saying!