Repressed emotions

Yet,

I been turning into a materialistic lady,

it might be the factors of biological or environmental or both,

it could be a grown up process or could be the influential peers here.

These days,

I wanted to share in buying a car with Hung Kiat,

I told him that I want to use my own car when I am back to Malaysia,

definitely he is willing to share,

but the problem is he can't get a new car due to the 5 years insurance contract is attach with the old car,

so the new car can't put under his name as according to his current salary as he can't have two cars.

I asked him to put the new car under his father's name and we pay his dad for monthly installment,

another problem is his father told him that they just got a new car on 2012 December,

within one year can't buy two cars,

if not government will comes and inspect them for income tax.

His father claimed that he is afraid because last time he was charged with around RM 300K for the omission of full tax income when buying too many shop lots within a year.

Thus, the same condition is applied,

this time his father afraid government will comes and find him for another time if get two cars within a year,

so he said for the best outcome wait for next year.

But, I can't wait,

because I am urgently using a car soon,

I have to use car when I am back to Malaysia during this December.

Well, I asked from my own daddy,

I told him that I want to buy a new car, so I just need to put the car under his name and Hung Kiat will pay him monthly installments,

he even denied me straight away and thought I won't pay him monthly installments,

I felt very angry about this, because in this condition,

he can do it but he refused to help,

his only reason is

'Waste money'

He claimed that I only come back Malaysia for 2 months and going to buy a car,

so he said it's wasting money.
But who says a car can only used up to 2 months?

I claimed that every time when I come back Malaysia I have to use,

when I am not around Hung Kiat can use,

when I am around I will be using the car.

And also,

I told him that I never say I want to sell off the car after 1 or 2 years,

I will be using it permanently.

He still appeared so stubborn and refused to help,

he just keep thinking I am wasting money and only will be using it temporarily.

I told mummy to persuade daddy as he is so stubborn,

mommy said

'Because our house got too many cars already, cannot add some more, if not government will come and inspect for the income tax, very troublesome ones. The best outcome is we can avoid just avoid because we wont know there is any income tax omission, because we got too many too many accounts already.'

I said

'Our house got how many cars now?'

She said

'6'

I said

'Can ones... you tell them our house got 7 persons so must use 7 cars. Buy one more only, but one more then dont buy any more.'

Mummy said

'Cannot, 6 already a lot. Now government very strict ones, they check very tight ones, so very hard to buy a car.'

I said

'So normally how others buy a new car?'

She said

'Like some people house only got one car, so they feel like they want to have one more car for convenient, that one can.'

I said

'I very angry that Hung Kiat, his house just got 3 cars only, add one more like will die like that, his father nge nge dont want.'

She said

'No, 3 cars considered a lot already, if he buys another car will be having 4 cars, government will come and check ones. Normally average people house only got 1-2 cars only, 3 cars already in risk. So if you want them to have another car, too dangerous already because his family is very small, 5 persons need 4 cars is too many already, government will go inspect them ones.'

I said

'Then cannot put under my name meh?'

Mummy said

'Cannot, because you are student, must got working income only can put name...'

I said

'Then last time my kenari leh? How come papa can put under my name ones?'
She said

'Because that one is small amount money, RM 22K, so papa straight buy with cash. If straight buy away then only can put under anyone's name.'

I said

'Then Huay Ling leh? One month papa also give her RM 2000 only, she can buy RM 120K car meh?

She said

'Her car put under papa's name ones...'

I said

'I want car ! Must think a method! If not when I come back very inconvenient, I want go KL find my friends, want go fetch Michelle they all, some more want to go out with Emily, some more I want to go ballet, some more I might continue teach abacus, some more a lot my Melaka friends find me go out, I need to use car, if dont have car too inconvenient already.'

She said

'Use Myvi lah...'

I said

'I dont want. Myvi too laoya already!'

She said

'Wont... Myvi where got laoya?'

I said

'Got... when I driving, I need to listen songs ones... Myvi audio system spoiled already, I dont want.'

Mummy said

'No, that spoiled one is Red color Myvi, that one we early early sold out already, this one is white color Myvi, new one. After you went Australia only we bought ones.'

I said

'I dont want use Myvi lah! I want a stable car to run high way ones... my Australia friends all got come back Malaysia, they asked me go KL find them, I want better car to run away, last time I used Myvi run away, when driving on high way, can heard the outside wind sounds very loud ones, I dont want!'

She said

'Huay Li also like that, Huay Li also used Myvi when worked at KL, up down up down also use Myvi.'
I said

'Cannot, papa said before dont use small car run high way because too light already, very dangerous ones...'

Mummy said

'Everyone also like that, you see high way road all Myvi, Proton saga, Proton wira ones...'
I said

'I dont want lah! I want go KL find my Australia friends... all of them very rich ones... later they see I use laoya car come and find them ... I dont want use Myvi !'

she said

'You tell them Myvi easy parking and very convenient because small size lah! And we never do anything wrong we no need scared people laugh at us ones...'

I said

'You not scared, I scared. I want new car!'

Mommy was speechless and dont know what to say,

after 5 seconds,

she said

'Really! Because you just come back 2 months only, very wasted to buy a new car.'

I said

'Not say I will sell away after few years, I will use permanent ones... not say I want 300-400K car like papa car, I just want a RM 100+ K car only, I just want a simple car which got good windshield, a car which has a good shelter to protect me, like this only, buo duo qian bao liao very guo fen meh?'

Mummy even laughed and said

'Eh.... bai duo qian ba liao ah?? Bai Duo Qian de car consider very expensive already leh... normally people's not more than RM 100K.'

I said

'Those cars buy already also useless, when run high way can heard wu wu wu sounds ones... I dont want... some more laoya car easy to spoil, I just want a car which suitable for long distance travel, inside is comfortable and the most important is save fuel. That is why I said I want to buy Camry, last time I drove Camry up to KL, super save fuel, just filled one time fuel, can up and down from high way know? Some more havent finish know?'

She said

'Buy car is not that easy, say want to buy then buy, must think long distance ones...'

I said

'I already think long distance, if I never think long distance, I already cincai cincai get a car. I think long distance only I will say I want a good windshield car and save fuel ones...'

Mummy said

'You buy car like buy vege like that...'

I said

'What buy car like buy vege? I where got keep buying car? I got buy car before meh?'

Mummy said

'No... not this meaning, you cannot so impulsive, because buy car not like say want buy then buy ones... you must consider a lot aspects like income tax problems.... our house got a lot cars already, you want use which car then use lah... why want to buy one more car?'

I said

'All cars also got people's ones.. if I want use nick's car, sure he say dont drive his car go and drive other people car, if I want to drive Huay ling's car, sure also she pushed away say you go and drive other people car... sure is like that ones mah... impossible I go and drive papa's car mah... So I also want my own car. Can or not?'

Mummy said

'If you dont want Myvi, you go and drive Stavic. Stavic nobody drive...'

I said

'I dont want Stavic!'

*The 'school bus' that driver always fetched me to school, that long long one.

That time I already frustrated enough,

because mummy keep wanting me to drive the car nobody wants to drive,

Myvi and Stavic are cars which nobody wants to drive in our family,

because these two cars seems lousy so no one wants to drive it.

Stavic is a car now my driver fetched my younger brother to school everyday,

mummy wants me to drive that one :(

I been sitting that car throughout my 5 years high school life,

*even its a new car, but still the same Stavic.

I been bored of sitting that car,

can I have a fresh and different car?

However,

I just want to have a new OWN car that no one will tell me

'Huay Ching, later I need to use car.'

I just want to avoid this situation because it's too inconvenient !

Somehow,

I don't know what's going wrong with me.

 I am extremely afraid the feeling of being denied,

when I am being denied for something,

I will lost control and keep crying for days till I get the thing.

So when daddy phoned me, I dare not pick up his call,

because I afraid I will cry out when being rejected by him.

Certainly,

I am a person who dare not cry in front of anyone else,

I will feel extremely shy to cry in front of others,

so in order not to cry out in front of daddy,

I even don't pick up his call,

because I knew I will definitely cry when talk to him,

and I am avoiding this feeling or avoid the crying,

so I just refused to pick up his call until today.

I don't know why when I speak to my parents,

I will have a sort of very upset feeling, so I tried not to talk to them to avoid this feeling.

Because I can't accept they answer me

'No'

I am overly afraid of being rejected or denied for something,

so in order not to cry, I dare not to talk to them,

because I knew if I talk, I will cry.

I really don't know what's going wrong with me?

Why I would cry naturally when I begin to speak?

Perhaps,

I have too many sadness to mention,

so when I mention any one of the sadness,

I will aroused my inner repressed tears.

I always put biggest afford in trying not to cry,

even when the tears are ready to roll down from my eye frame,

I will try not to blink my eyes,

so when my eyes never blink, the tears won't be being pressed,

sometimes,

when I am doing stuffs alone,

when I think of my childhood treatment from my parents,

the tears would irresistibly stored in my eye frame,

I tried not to make it roll down,

I will quickly wear on my spec to avoid people seeing it,

and I will avoid blink my eyes to let the tears roll down.

Indeed,

the feeling of restricting tears is the most challenging thing to do in the world.

Vividly recalled during CNY night,

when Pn Lye was beating me, I cried and the tears rolled down uncontrollably.

She said

'You cried some more, I beat some more.'

*She almost waved down her stick while she said like that

I even answered her immediately

'Not me, not me.'

Because I truly believed,

it's really not me,  is my eyes ~!

I tried my best not to blinked my eyes, but my eyes still have way to allowed the tears to rolled down.

I never blinked my eyes, but when the volume of tears are too much storing in my eye frame,

it's too heavy so it will rolled down!

It's automatic, really not me!

The actual fact is who wants to cry in front of her?

If I cried in front of her,

she will think I afraid of her so only will cry in front of her. 

But no choice,

I never blink my eyes, the tears automatic rolled down ones!

So I told her not me~!