Bad feeling

 

This kind of bad feeling came again,

I don't really know why I am so afraid of her,

just a moment ago,

log into Huay Ching Ngoh's facebook.

At the moment I saw there was two messages on the message notification,

I even dare not to clicked in and see;

I even afraid will be that lcl sent me message again :(

I guessed it's she the one who sent me message.

I even hesitated for 30 seconds only got the courage to clicked in.

Doubtlessly, when I left click the mouse,

really it's her! I really nervous when saw it's her!

I don't really know why I got such a bad unavoidable feeling. 

 

 

 

Yeah! Certainly,

I am too impulsive and stupid;

I blamed for my reckless now.

When I chat with her in the message during the midnight,

she asked me to read her status that she wrote regarding me.

*She wrote me refused to trust her.

And yes, I have been read,

and she asked me how was it?

At the moment I wanted to reply her something in the message,

*I want to reply her: I not say I didn't trust the truth.

But at that time,

I've typed that sentence but haven't press enter,

before I press enter, I deleted everything.

I think

'Oh ya! Just bluff her I cant see anything and let her thought she already blocked that person, then she wont think of block anyone else? Then I no need to worry want to get else password anymore?'

Hence,

I just rubbed off everything and replied her

'Where? I didn't see anything. Or you blocked that person edi?'

Then she was like 'How I know? Your phone got problem.'

And I think,

 she replied this way had already shown that she really thought she removed that person already.

 

 

 

Who knows the second day,

when I saw her new status wrote

'Someone who don't think of move on is always much further behinid than people who think to move on.'

When I saw that status,
I was furious and impulsive,

I straight get my 'right seat' and immediately questioned her why she wrote me that way.

*Her meaning is like saying I don't think to move on like that and implied me I still left behind in the past.

After I sent her the message;

I was really regretted for my outspoken words.

Shit !

Why I sent her like that?

If I asked her like that, she not know I saw it already?'

Sigh!

My this person is really hard to control myself and easily exposed secret when I see some stimulants.

Actually,

I don't mind she write me I don't believe her or don't believe truth,

but when I see some stimulating key words such as 'past', 'dark shadow', 'move on' or anything that relate to my past.

I will really turn agitated and can't stop breathing.

Vividly recalled the day when I told daddy that she is not shifting,

I cried until no energy to breath,

can't talk at all; keep breathing heavily.

Daddy said

'Slowly slowly, talk slowly, breath slowly. You breath slowly, don't rush. Inhale one time first...'

I said

'Now I very difficult to breathe, very suffer. I can't breath, my head very painful.'

Daddy said

'Ya I knew. You breath slowly and talk, you never breath, your brain dont have oxygen sure painful lah... you breath first....'

I said

'I breath very loud already but still very chuan....'

Daddy said

'Ok you dont talk first, papa wait you here... when you can breath already only continue talk.'

 

 

 

 

Somehow,

I don't really why when I mentioned of something stimulating,

I would always felt really difficult to talk and can't breath at all.

*The way I breath is like asthma like that despite I don't have asthma

One of the time, at Chlorophyll concert,

that time Datin asked me how add math day happened?

When I describing the incident,

I also can't breath at all,

Datin was shocked when I keep breathing heavily,

because I look like almost fainted when I can't breath.

Datin keep asked me to be slowly;

but I still can't talk at all, because my heart is really suffered,

I can't breath I don't know why.

Sometimes,

I really doubt myself am I asthma?

I asked Chloe,

then Chloe asked me

'When you do exercise will you like that or not?'

I said

'No ah... even I go hiking, very tired, I just haiz... one time only... also wont cant breath at all ones... but when describing the add math incident, is like the feeling when I want to get a breath also very difficult...' 

She said

'Oh then I think you dont have asthma lah... you nervous only....

I said

'really? I think my dad also think I nervous only... he keep saying bu yao jing zang bu yao jing zang... man man, man man.... breath one time first....'

She even laughed and said

'Haha! Very funny! Breath also need your father to teach you.'

I said

'Anah! I also dont know why when mention of add math incident or mention of past. Then I will like that ones... and because I very scared of that lcl, then got one time she chat with me in facebook, she said she knew I want to come back malaysia alraedy, then she said she want to beat me more serious than last time... something like that... even she never talk to me, I just sit in front of computer only also I will can't breath... keep breath very loud in front of computer, then after 1 minute like that only can start to breath...'

She said

'Har... one minute? Very long leh... I think you better go see doctor, maybe you got asthma.... very dangerous ones leh... who knows next time is 5 minutes? You not straight die away? Dont kai wan xiao leh....

I said

'Haha wont la... luckily I knew swimming, so I can tahan the feeling without breathing in water... so maybe one minute for me still ok... but still very suffer... because is like I breath in the place with no oxygen like that... like almost suffocated... want to breath but cant breath....'

 

She said

'Your parents know or not?'

I said

'I think my father knew only.... because I only got one time like that, breathed like that in the phone when talked to my father only... because usually I never talk to my parents about pn lye ones mah... then also never breath like that in front of them, just one of the time, I suddenly ki siao because that lye chuin li said they are not shifting... then when I talked to my father in the phone then became like that edi... my father also get frightened....'

She said

'Haiyo that lychee, you dont scared her lah... you dont scared her then nothing d... when nothing d then you wont breathless edi...'

I said

'I never scared her...'

She said

'I knew la... but I knew your person memang always very impulsive and agitated that type... then plus you got this trauma, you will become super impulsive plus super agitated, then when all these feeling came to you, only you suddenly ki siao and cant breath... I think when you heard or see those stimulating things, you just cool down yourself then can d... dont so tension, dont straight away get furious that type... then will be okay d...'

 I said
'I knew... I also dont know why I can't breath... like she just message me in facebook only, she never talk to me but write only also I will cant breath in front of computer... like my shoulder keep up and down up and down like that.... then cant breath....'
She said
'I think you too scared of her edi is it? Overly scared also will caused asthma ones leh... last time my mum also got told me before... You go Google check la...'
After that,
I really go google checked 'What caused asthma',
 and see whether I really got asthma or not?
It really wrote fear will triggered asthma!

http://www.who.int/features/qa/46/en/

Other triggers can include cold air, extreme emotional arousal such as anger or fear, and physical exercise. In some people, asthma can even be triggered by certain medications, such as aspirin and other non-steroid anti-inflammatory drugs, and beta-blockers (which are used to treat high blood pressure, heart conditions and migraine). Urbanization has also been associated with an increase in asthma, however the exact nature of this relationship is unclear.


Now I am asking myself, am I overly scared of lcl or too angry?
LOL! I dont think I scared of her!
Might be some part of my anger perhaps?



 

 

Definitely,

I think from what Chloe said is really true!

I promised myself,

start from now onwards,

I really don't want to act so impulsive anymore,

think twice before commit an action,

if I see anything,

I just swallow an insult and act like I don't see anything.

And the most importantly,
I want to brainwash her and tell her I not really afraid of her.

If this is successful,

I guess this is the only way to make me conquer myself and conquer her as well as forget about past.