Depressed

 

 

 

These days, I am haunted indeed.

I am haunted by some low moods at home.

Do you know?

Everyone has their own secret grief which the world are not knowing;

seriously, exalted tears rolled down from the raining princess.

There are unshown wounds on the body that are thorougher and more wounded than anything that bleeds. 

 

 

The best thing for being depress is do not get what ownself expected or needed.

Yes,

I've grow old and start trembling in my bitter life experience.

I lie awake at night and listening to the disorder of my heart veins,

the urge are hurrying me from thinking the past,

my heart is vacillating and nobble tears are rolling.

I might see the world about me desvasted by that treacherous crackpot.

Absolutely,

she is the one who collapsed my future and the entire me.

I learned that her honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds.

Since young,

teacher never taught me doing that,

but her creative mind taught me the bad example and established a shadow in the deepest core of my heart.

 

 

 

Thereby,

there is merely one thing for it then - to learn.

Rationally,

I know I have to learn the good examples instead of bad.

Learn why the world wags and what wags it.

That is the only thing which the mind will never get tired, never sow discord, never be tortured by, never fear of, never distrust someone and never dream of regretting.

yeah!

Learning life experience is the only thing which I should learn it from and hunting what a lot of affairs there are to learn.

 

 

 

Since young,

I am a person who live in insecurity,

living under an 'unprotective roof' and weren't shower by love.

As yet,

I never have been insecure because I might see what a waste it is.

I know there was a solution to insecurity.

I don't tend to be thrown by problems that don't have solutions and I understand an insecurity has a wealth of alternatives.

I am different from anyone else of my siblings as I got a different treatment from my parents.

Perhaps,

I am probably under a denial state that I am born unfair.

Also, I been suffered from unfairness and mistreatment all the way since a tender age,

I tend to unfrequented in the family;

I had not desserve new toys or new clothes,

I was wearing older sisters clothes or playing younger brother's toys in past.

I tend to received blamed, scold, punishments rather than other siblings.

The feeling was so isolated, rejected, unloved since young.

truthfully tears would definitely accompanied me in the growing process.

 

 

Yet, I've grown up,

naturally I became more fragile and more easily to cry than anyone else.

 I pursue the things that I didn't gotten during my childhood,

I seek for the fairness and wanted it back desirably but desperately.

From what other things that my siblings are possessing more than me,

I don't really care what they are actually having but I tend to be so self-centred.

Yes,

jealousy is not a part of my personality.

I won't jealous what other siblings having now, as long as I have what I wanted, I've fulfill the self-satisfaction.

Due to the lack of poccessed in past,

when I grown up I will try my best to remind myself to live better than anyone else,

 

I will try to fulfill myself and stubbornly wanted what I want regardless of what the price tags are,

and now I eventually believed that

"Everyone's eccentric were sourced from respective childhood experience."

 

 

 

 

And certainly,

I am the one who behaving oddly too.

In my perspective,

my shopaholic personality sourced from the early stage of my life as well as the past parental treatment.

I wish I could don't blame myself to be so shopaholic and so branded-fanaticism.  

 

Now, when my parents don't obey me or disallow me to get something what I wanted,

I became really die-hard, frustrated, rebellion and sometimes depressed when I do not get the things I craving for.

And now the most exaggeratingly,

when my parents refused to telegraphic transfer money for me to go Sydney holiday with my friends,

I would even cried and think they left out and unloved me.

And, by slowly,

this tinny affair would start to affect my daily mood.

Begin to experience day-dream, no apetite at all, couldn't fall asleep at night, entering depress again; even cried irrestibly and unreasonably in the public space.

 

 

Somehow,

I feel like I am breathlessly walk into the shadow again.

When I begin to depressed over some worries such as mama dont give me money to Sydney,

then I would start become really depressed and start thinking from parents to other matter, from other matter to people who hurt me, from people who hurt me to the worst affair,

then finally start thinking of the past between Pn lye and me.

Then I would became really frenzy, really obsessed, start worrying everything.

Start worried her life is better than me and lead to anxiety, and from anxiety lead to sleepless,

the most suprisingly,

I even directed Hung Kiat help me go and look what Pn lye is doing for 4 times only I can sleep peacefully.

And the most frenzily,

I am saying

'Help me go and see what Pn Lye doing for 4 times, 4 times know?'

instead of

1 more round, 1 more round till 4 times.

So unreasonably,

the visitation must reached 4 times - the exact frequency that I wanted, only I could put down the heavy stone in my heart and sleep peacefully.
And when he is gonna report to me what she is doing,
I even daren't answer the call to hear the answer; because I afraid she is living better than me.


 

If without his 'visit',

I guessed I would abloe to sleep at all till the next morning and keep crying on the next day and start blaming him why yesterday never help me go and look and harm me can't get up; never go class.