Hesitation

Somehow,

I keep reread the conversation with Lim Kim Neo on that night.

My thoughts have being tortured for years;

the pure purpose is to seek a pure answer.

Yes, it's a very pure answer; a very pure process to be explain.

I am seeking an innocent answer :(

Till now,

I keep blaming myself for that night why should I so fast take pill?

Made myself have to reread back the conversation what I've actually talked and have been sitting in front computer for couple of hours, 

I've reread the conversation for many times; again and again,

from the top to the bottom and from the bottom to the top;

see whether there is any hidden clues or exposure?


The memory and memories are both vague;
seemed like had happened and at the meanwhile seemed like it doesn't.

The only motive to sit in front of the computer for so long is to seek where is the answer.

I guessed,

she might be wrote; but my unconsciousness of that night made myself did omitted. 

My determined lead me keep scrolling up and down of the conversation.

I never found any clues; but hesitating is she really told the truth?

why she used the word 'really'? Is that the true really?

Or I am just too easily get brainwash when reinforcement noun is being used?

Especially the word 'really' :(

Based on the top conversation,

I has been reread this part for nearly 30 minutes,

'I din even bluff u anything'

'Including the add maths incident'

'Never hit you 40-50 times'

And also, reread this part for another 30 minutes!

Seriously! I am not kidding or exaggerating my bad sense of timing!

I keep reread she told me that I keep on dreaming people attack me so I believed its truth?

Now,

I've start asking myself

'Am I really dreaming or really is she beaten me?'

'If it was a dream, why I hold the grudges till now?'

'If I weren't there, why my leg would had wounds?'

'Who caned me when I was sleeping?'

'Am I really dreaming people attacked me?'

'If I dream of people attacked me, will my leg really got wounds after I woke up?'

'Is such dream really happened?'

'Am I really dreaming?'

And this,

When relate both of these parts together,

am I really dreaming or she bluffed me for both?

She said add math also I dreaming; her mum IQ 72 also I dreaming?

Did I dreamed a lot?

Yes I dreamed everyday; perhaps thinking the past too much?

Nevertheless,

if the add math incident never happen,

why would I dream of her at that time?

To be honest, yes, during the school time,

I have been dreamed of her, but not more than 3 times.

That's normal because she is a part of the subject who exist in my life.
Thereby, the dream is unavoidable too.

Vividly recalled, before the add math incident happened,

I dreamed of her twice.

The first dream of her happened when I was form 3,

she keep telling me during the day about ambulance and send me to the hospital.

Some more told me got ghost in Genting and switched off the light in Datin's room when I said I want to go genting with Datin!

And certainly all these had combined a nightmare for me because she repetitively told me all those during the day.

And even, I did seriously sleepwalking for that night which make me unforgettable till now.

Because once in my lifetime I only experienced sleepwalking once and this had seriously lead to family conflict.

Initially,

daddy scolded me why I keep prank call (Intercom) during the midnight 4am.

I said I didn't and at that time as I really did not know I sleepwalking.

Daddy said

'You dont bluff ah! Whole family still got who will do this kind of thing? You intercom whole house in the midnight and refused to talk. The whole house phone also rang here rang there. Ah Zern also said last night his room phone got rang twice... I heard downstairs living room rang 3 times, refrigerator there rang 2 times. My room rang 4 times! Last night I cant sleep know? Now I very very tired!'

I still talk back daddy

'What are you talking about? Why I want to sleep until half then do this kind of thing? Want play this kind of thing also call to other people house... what for I intercom at own house, some more play during the midnight. Yesterday I twelve o'clock sleep d.... Huay Ling sleep with me, you dont believe ask her lah....'

Daddy asked

'AH Ling, Ah Ching yesterday what time sleep?'

Huay Ling said

'12pm...'

I said

'Nah! Told you d ! Not me! If is me I will say is me! Since prank call also not a big matter! Why I want to say not me??'

Daddy said

'Ah Ching you know or not? Your room phone now let you intercom until spoiled already... asked people come and fix also cant fix well... that people still said the phone is being hit harshly and caused the wiring problem in the wall... you know or not? In this case, spoiled d means spoiled d, because our wiring pasang in wall ones... if spoiled d impossible knock off the wall ! So your room phone cant fix anymore.'

I even got angry and screamed

'Really not me lah! How come I nothing to do ah? Midnight 4am intercom the whole house?'

Daddy kept quiet and believed me at the end,

because I usually won't lie at home,

daddy is really dubious,

he knew its not me but curious who is the one who intercom?

After that,

I really got furious because initially daddy keep saying is me although I already said wasn't me!

I got angry and walked back to my room,

I really sit on my bed and pondered myself

'Also true, if not me, who else will do like that? Simply intercom the whole house and when people pick up never talk? Or it was me? Since last time I also got played How Wan Seng once and Chua Guan Hong once...'

But I think again, also impossible.

Midnight 4am? I was sleeping!

Some more calling own house? What for?

How come I don't know?

And when I started to recalled the dream I had during last night only I aware I did sleepwalking.

Certainly,

I dreamed of that Pn Lye harmed me,

she really called ambulance came and catch me,

and I was sent into the hospital, lying on bed.

I said

'I dont care! I want go back! I dont scared of you and doctor ones!'

She stand at the patient room's door there and said

'Now I dont care you d! Once I switched off the light and shut the door means ghost come and catch you!'

Who knows after she said like that,

she really switched off the light and shut the door and went away and left me alone.
*Am I thinking her too bad?? ^_^

After she switched off the light and closed up the door,
immediately,

I wanna quickly run out of the room and seek help from mummy,

I wanna phone mummy and ask her come and save me.

And the phone just outside the door only so I am trying to reach there.

But the fact is I felt that I can't move at all,

really got ghost on my bed pulling me;

is like the feeling want to move also very hard,

*just like the feeling when you move forward but magnetic force is pulling you backward

The invisible ghost pulled me and refused to let me go out of the room.

At that time, I very scared,

although there are something pulling me,

but I still tried my best; walk hardly, used all my force to walk towards the phone.

When I reached door and approached the phone,

I quickly phone mummy and seek help.

I was calling urgently and repeatedly as no one answer the call.

I called mommy; she never picks up the call.

I called dady; he never picks up the call too.

Both of them were busy working and I was calling alternatively all the way to seek help.

And from the dream memory,

I certainly remembered I was hitting harshly on the phone as no one pick up my phone and I really scared the ghost chase out from the room.

Thereby I just so urgent,

keep calling and hitting the phone :(

And the next morning,

when I woke up its Saturday,

the bed is really messy; blanket on floor and pillow was thrown at a side.

So far,
 I still hadn't experience sleepwalking before until I met this fucking person in life,

I usually have a quiet sleeping style; sleep still and wont kick around during bedtime.

And when I relate the position of my bed and my bedroom phone is the exactly same position as the bed and phone in hospital.

After combining, relating and recalling all these,
I began to realized its me the one who intercom in the midnight and spoiled the phone.

my deep down confirmed I am the one who spoiled the phone and keep calling.

*Of course! Daddy is right! He said when everyone picked up the phone and I keep quiet. For sure! Sleepwalking how to talk?

After I came out from my room,

daddy asked me once again,

he said

'Ah Ching, papa asked you one more time, yesterday really is you called or not? Papa knew you wont lie ones... You tell the truth, I really cant figure out why the phone will keep ringing last night?'

My deep down thinking

'Yes, since young until big, I am daddy's daughter, he knows I wont lie because I never lie before in the family. I could stupid until even let him beat me also wont lie. I am a person who even let him beat also wont reject fault. But now, since just now I already said not me, if now I say is me, daddy will think I lie? How to explain to him? Tell him I sleepwalking? Later if he asked why I sleepwalking? Later if he knows Pn Lye tell me ambulance and ghost only I sleepwalking? How if he goes school find Pn Lye? Cannot! Try to make him avoid contact with Pn Lye. If Pn Lye got chance talk to him, sure talk bout my bad things.'

That time when I was thinking, my eyebrow is bending down.

After I think about these was around 10 seconds,

 to avoid papa think I am diffident as I take time to response.

I even continued bend down my eyebrow and said

'You never see my eyebrow bend down for so long edi ah? Still want to ask me how many times? Not me means not me lah! House phone spoiled also blame me! You very weird leh! See me hyperactive, thing spoiled find me lah? Born until like that really got gou shui!'

*Then straight walked away after I said like this :P

That is why when someone mentioned of call ambulance or send to the hospital;
I would directly recalled of this unforgettable nightmare.

And also,
I had a sort of phobia toward s hospital because of this sleepwalking dream.

When I was 19th, I got an accident,
I fetched the injured person to the hospital and left quickly;
because I really afraid of hospital;
I really got phobia towards that dream.
During the Chinese New Year night,
daddy brought me to hospital body check up,
I was sitting blankly while waiting my turn;
 recalled this nightmare for two hours sharp.
And when the doctor wanted to do ultrasound for me;
he spent a long time to convincing me up to the bed because I refused,
because I keep thinking got ghost will find me once I go up.
I don't really know is a phobia towards the patient's bed or regarding a past nightmare as real?
I really daren't go up at all;
because I scared got ghost will pull me and catch me once I go up.
After ultrasounds,
daddy even asked me
'Aiyo Ah Ching! One ultrasounds why take for so long? Gao Shen Mer Gui? The police calling twice already... quick quick quick! Still have to go Bandar Hilir very far...'
I refused to let daddy knew it was me who refused to go up the bed,
I even told him said
'The doctor lo... I lie down there for how long d... langsung dont have people serve me! You also know, government service always like that!'
And another time,
I remembered when I heard that lcl called ambulance in the phone;
straight away I recalled that dream again.
I don't really know why after that sleepwalking dream,
despite 5 years had gone, I still got phobia towards ambulance; siren or hospital.
Because that dream made me walked at night unconsciously and even spoiled something without knowing~! And get scolded unreasonably~! Still get ghost chased in the dream; still don't have people saved me.


Traumatic dream right?
That's why as Chinese idiom saying goes
‘饭可以乱吃，话不能乱讲。’
(Rice can simply eat but words cannot simply say)


Once words are outspoken - it's uncollectible and might caused the lifetime phobia.
Maybe,
she don't remembers this any more,
but people who get frightened usually remembered tightly.
And I am a person who are easily to get frightened.

Few days ago,
just had desserts time with a bunch of friends.


Kye telling me
'House cannot too dirty, will aroused ghosts.'
when I think of I still got a lot plates haven't wash,
I even cried out and want Serena accompanied me for a night because I very scared as I stay alone.
They even told me Kye disturbed me ones and asked me don't believe,
and asked Kye dont frightened me anymore because I am a person who believed whatever people said,
Kye even said some more
'Eh, you got opened window ones or not? House must keep bright, cannot dark dark ones... because ghost like dark place.'


(They even laughed at me together because they said I listened till very fascinated but face look scared)

Then Kye said
'Eh! You stay alone, I must teach you, if really, really lah... if you really got see ghost lah... you cannot bother them you know? Once they ask you question and you answer then habis d... they will follow you ones... dont care them know?'
I nodded my head and said
'Ngggg....'
But I even more afraid although I nodded my head,
because to be honest,
since I move in till now, I don't know how to open the sliding window,
so my house window never and ever open before,
and she said house cannot too dark;
but I usually flatly just used a bed lamp and totally never on light for the whole house at all.
Then they asked Kye really dont talk any more as will frighten me because I am staying alone, Kye still very naughty like to disturb...


all of them keep telling me don't listen to Kye.
Then at that time; I started to don't believe her when they told me don't believe.
But when I back to home; I scared again.
I been sweeping floor and washing plates for the whole night after I came back.
Plus I on the light for the whole house till Hung Kiat phoned me.
I scared the dream recurred; ghost come and catch me :(




That dream, I never and ever tell someone before,
including Hung Kiat, I never tell him about that before.
Because I don't want him to mentioned,
doubtlessly, I afraid of those key words.
Therefore,
whenever lcl mentioned those keywords,
I would began to grouse; turned neurotic and wanted to stop her from saying it.
Because of a nobody knows's dream,
I became really weird, eccentric and big reaction when comes to hospital.
That dream is the first and only dream which lead me sleepwalking in my life.
That is why it caused me so fearsome and traumatic.
Datin always asked me in school
'You forgot d ah? That time you form 3 went Genting with me! How come form 4 forgot edi? Last year only.'
Form five, she asked me the same thing,
'Eh! Last time form 3 we went Genting together, you remembered?'
I still told her
'Since when? I dont remembered.'
Or sometimes,
I will told her
'Where got? You dreaming is it?'



But in my deep down,
yes, I still remembered it colorfully but I pretended I did forgot.
And also,
I did well pretended that I really don't remember.
Because of this nightmare; I am unwilling to recall it.
*Because Pn Lye told me Genting got ghost and switched off the light in Datin's room and made me had sleepwalking at night and made me afraid of ambulance till now


There is why people say there is a reason behind a lie;
yes, the lie seems unreasonable but the reason that I lie is reasonable.
I mean people won't understand why I lie for this, but for the reason is really reasonable for me to lie.
 I am suffering in this aspect of lie, I am not mean to hurt Datin by saying not remember the time I spent together with her.
Because, behind this lie,
I have my own hardship; I have my own indescribable phobia.
Especially when Datin asked me about this in front of Pn Lye,
the more I will act like I don't remember I went Genting with her.
Even she might be think I am weird, why like this also don't remember?
but its up to them to think me whatever think they of me.
Because I have my solid reason to say I don't remembered because of this phobia.



Exactly,
I am a person who use denial to cope with fear :D
perhaps just like what lcl posting on wall;
"the more you deny, the more you afraid."
*Damn her, still give me smiley face to see some more



Sometimes,
when a white van stop nearby me or pass by me which look like an ambulance;
I would get startled (Shoulder up and down) because thought my nightmare gonna recurred.
*In that dream, the ambulance just very suddenly stopped at my side and fetched me to the hospital.
Yet,
I never and ever mention about that dream to lcl before,
because I really afraid once I mention and she will think I afraid of it then non stop mention ambulance to me for the sake of obey her.
I know she always like that and will be like that,
the more people refuse the more she wanted.
That is why I dare not to take risk in this circumstance; dare not to tell her.
Hence,
just don't let her know about this,
so she won't mention about ambulance to me.
And at the same time,
I won't recalled of this dream.

The second dream, I had forgot when was it,
but I remembered the dream till now,
I dreamed of everyone attacked me;
the everyone refers to four persons,
she, Omar(choi choi now), Siew and Pengetua Umaizahrah!
Four of them rode horse and held weapon want to attack me.

Like the scenario in Dynasty,
they rode big horse; holding swords and canes want to attack me.
They got big horse and I only got small white horse.
I only remembered I scolded Omar in the dream,
I scolded him
'You Omar! Bahasa cina adalah Hei Ma! Kuda hitam! Kamu sudah kudah hitam, asat lagi nak naik kuda hitam?'
Well,
there is no behind reason or any definition for this dream,
I dont know why I dreamed of this.
Maybe it might just a normal dream as dream can be everything.


Definitely,
I would dreamed of her because I knew this person in my life.
Surely, when stand in his shoes,
she dreamed of me too; because she knew me this person in her life.
Once again,
dream can be anyone and everything.
What to say her this terrible, horrible and vegetable person who almost need me to deal with her everyday!
*Not she deal with me, is I deal with her





Besides than these two dreams,
I never dream of Pn Lye this person before when I was in school.
And how this Lye Chuin Li could said I dreamed of add math incident?
It's really illogic :(
I still don't believe anyway.
Maybe she needs a more creative lies to brainwash me.
And certainly,
I need that lie desperately.
Because at the same time she lying me,
I am thinking to lying myself too.
I wanna lie myself for the sake of forgetting.
Ain't that I really miserable?
Just wanted to forget a shadow, even attempted to cheat own self?
Yet,
I can't really judge this behaviour as rational or irrational?
In terms of morally,
it's wrong to cheat someone regardless of who is the subject.
In terms of sentimentally,
it might be acceptable to cheat own self.
Because the only way to leave this shadow is to let self-deception heal the incurable wounds.