Drugs dependant

 

Somehow,

it has been so long to rely on medication in life and I still seemed unable to independant survive without a pill.

Last night,

I tried to seek for a night without pill, tried to be independant without taking pill,

but I still experienced insomnia till 2am something and before take pill,

I was so disordered and delirious; cranky is my attitude.

Throw tantrum to the people who loved me the most,

get mad and screaming around when he couldn't offer me a specific answer.

 

 

 

I asked him

'Why until now Sherryn dont want tell me when Pn Lye shift? Tell me where she shift is hard, but do you think tell me when she shift is hard?'

He answered me

'Maybe really didnt shift lo... that is why dont dare reply.'

I said

'Why initially Pn Lye want to pakat with Sherryn and bluffed me she got shift?'

He was thinking and responded me

'Hmmmmm.... (thinking voice)'

 

After around 10 seconds,

I even yelled in the room and said

'Hmmm what hmmm?? I already wait for a long time! You have been thinking for so long! I asked you one more time, why this Pn Lye want to bluffed me?'

He said

'Wait Clar, I am thinking....'

I said

'You already think for a long time already and I already wait for very long d!'

He said

'Hmmmm......(sounds thinking again)'

I screamed

'Dont think anymore!!!!! Just quickly answer me why this Sherryn want to bluffed me Pn Lye is shifting?'

He said

'Maybe the person who replied you is Lye Chuin Li, never think of consequences then simply replied you they are shifting to KL. Maybe is like that... And another reason is you also knew lcl's person...  maybe she wants to make you embrace a hope and broke your heart at the end then bluff you they are shifting to KL.'

I said

'Then you mean the person who replied me was lcl? So means she never think of consequences and simply wrote ones?'

He said

'Hmmmm I think so bah....'

At that time,

I even get mad when heard he said like that.

I even screamed uncontrollably; throwing things and said

'Why?? Why she refused to shift? She still want to torture me for how many years? Why she doesnt want to solve problems and why she doesnt wants to forget me? Why she still wants to stay in this old place? Why she wants to let problem to be continue? Or she is thinking the way she tortured me I still not painful enough?...... Why she still.....'

 (keep scolding and simply yelling really loud)

 

 

 

When hk heard my uncontrollable state,

he even cool down me by saying

'Got shift lah... really got lah Clar...'

I said

'Are you cooling me down only or really got shift?'

He said

'Really got shift lah....'

I said

'How you know? If she got shift then why the orange car still there? If she really shift to KL already, everyone in KL, why need so many cars? Must be she in Malacca and her children in KL, only need more cars what? And also, if she shift to KL already, no need go work?'

He said

'Ermmmm..... maybe at this moment she still in Malacca, so temporarily she needs car, then next year she will moves to KL.'

I said

'Then you think when she will moves to KL? By when? Will she moves away before I come back?'

He said

'Sure will. Dont worry Clar.'

I said

'How you know?'

He said

'Ermmm because next year Chinese New Year is early of February, so mostly people shift house sure is before Chinese New Year ones. Because new year can celebrate in new house mah....'

I said

'Ohhhh! Is like last time my house like that? New house completely renovated before Chinese new year then celebrate Chinese New Year at new house.'

He said

'Anah! So she will shift around December.'

I said

'Then next year December how? At the moment when I come back?'

He said

'No need worries lah Clar, I think she more afraid this problem than you, she sure will shift before you come back, so when you come back, she already shifted, so dont worry lah Clar. She wont have chance to beat you ones...'

I said

'Ok ok ok! You really think she will shift before December?'

He said

'Sure lah.... because Chinese New Year preparation sure need one month ones... you see... still have to clean new house, buy CNY biscuits and buy new year clothes all those. At least need one month, so she will shift before December, the most also January.'

I said

'January! How can? I come back on 14th December ! If I come back see her how? She still will beat me ones!'

He said

'Wont lah... You see, when you come back, still going Korea with your family during December, another 1 week already. So you wont in Malaysia, dont worry lah...'

I even joked and said

'14th December I come back Malaysia, still got two weeks in Malaysia, I go Korea one week, still got another one week leh? how if she beat me on that week? How if I got any wound or hurt on face? How if I got any san chang liang duan on my face? How you gonna explain this to my parent? wo shi kao lian chi fan ones... next time still need to use face stand in front of broadcast or reporting news in TV ones... how if disfigurement ? And you see my facebook pics like marks, not kao lian chi fan then is what? hahaha!'

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Hk even laughed and said

'Anah anah know you pretty lah.... know you kao lian chi fan one la! Hahaha!'


Then I joked some more and said
'And you see that judge photo... so ugly, cincai cincai one tomboy head also can pop out a 52 like marks. You see lah! Haiz.... very hard to not survive with face leh :P '

Hk laughed very loud and said
'Hahaha! Knew lah knew lah! You cannot survive without face ones lah! For you, face is money lah!'
I said
'Dong Jiu Hao! Back to the point, then how if she really comes out? How if my face really got any san chang liang duan at her there?'
He said
'Wont ones lah... if she really wants to shift, she sure know she own self is shifting soon, so even if you come, the most also that one week, the most also that one week she will dont care you and leave you outside. Then after that one week, she shift away already then nothing d lo... so dont worry la...'

I said

'I still very scared she beat me like last time. Dont care! We must find a solution first, if not she beat you again how? I know her person very well, you see add math and chinese new year that time! Add math day because she knew is last day already and Chinese new year that time because she knew I going back Australia already, so both of that time she just beat as more as she could! Dont you think so?'

He said

'Anah! You see before the first time you went Australia also. She used spatula hit you and lcl used wood beaten you till so serious.'

I even forgot already,

I still could said

'When? Did I said that?' 

He even laughed at me and said

'hahaha! So fast you forgot already. Funny!'

I said

'When? I where got said like that?'

He said

'Got ah! That time your leg and hand got blue black bruises, until two weeks time only recovered some more!'

I said

'Whatever! This pn lye really too scary already, she could hurt someone in the condition people dont know at all. No matter how, we sure must have a way to let her have no chance to beat me! I knew d ! Since you said the most she will drag till January, and shift before 1st of January, so the time I stay in Malaysia during December also one week only, so that one week, you use car fetch me go see her house, so car got window protection and got car roof, she cant beat until me! And also, when she knows you are fetching me, you in car, she dont dare beat me ones... you see! That time Chinese New Year, once she saw you then she stopped beating me already. And also, Sherryn said Pn Lye wont harm me if I never disturb. Heng! This time I want to see what she can say some more if I in car! If she really beat me, I can tell her: you own self said I never disturb then you wont beat me! How you think? Since one week very fast ones mah....'

 

He said

'No problem! Then after that one week, you freedom already and you wont be so suffered like past. And also, I think one week only, if Pn Lye really got heart want to solve problem, she sure will tolerate for that one week ones lah... and you see, that one week, she never come out then nothing d lo... even I also can think of that, I think she sure will think of that by her own ones lah....'

I said

'Wait wait wait, dont talk till so relax first... how you really can ensure she will shift? Hows her job? No need go work?'

He said

'Mmmm I think maybe kena gantung already so no need go work already, you see sherryn also never reply you when she shift, maybe this is the behind reason she very shy want to let you know she is shifting.'

I said

'wait wait wait... you drag till very far... whats the relationship between shifting house and shy? No logic at all. Not supposed to be.'

He said

'Because when she tell you her mum is shift, sure you will think of her mum's job mah... then when you ask about her mum's job, she will very shy, so she gan chui dont tell you when she shift, so you wont ask about her mum's job already... understand?'

I said

'But this is Sherryn reply me leh... not Pn lye... Not Sherryn gantung liscence, why she wants to shy?'

He said

'Mmmm maybe sherryn scared pl think Sherryn betray her? So dont dare to reply lo....'

I said

'Wait wait wait, how you know pl gantung liscence? I think those malay people, if my dad never hurry them or never keep track, the case sure burn ones... You think Malaysia is Australia?'

He said

'Haiya got ones lah... your father is Datuk, how dare they dont keep track? Now the polices position  also below category than your dad, they also dont dare not doing their duty, you see that day at police station, all polices so side by your father, all want to stand for you. Still got one police still said: Orang macam ni mesti gantung liscence, tak boleh jadi guru punya. You see the inspector still ask you pl from what school some more, all helping you mah....'

I said

'Actually, I never want her to get any consequences or karma, I dont want who side me. I just want to find a way to separate with her. No matter she jails or shift, I just want both of us separate to make things stop. Now I twenty-one years old, you want me drag this relationship until when and suffered until when? Still have to find a solution to solve things what.... I still got future, still got my future family, my future child, I dont want because of her, everyday think of the past and crying in front of my child. I want a happy moment with my children; survive without thinking her. But for her, she already 50 something, almost approach the age of retire already, almost walked till the end of her future already. Of course she dont care of her future lah. Because her future already comes to a full stop d what?'
 

He said

'Also true, that is why I am helping you all the way to forget her, finding a solution to make you separate with her. No matter how the solution is, I will still try. That is why that time I told your father dont let go her, must let her go jail, because I also find a way to make you separate with her.'

I said

'Your this thinking is too cruel and selfish already bah? You think jail so easy? How if people beat her inside?'

He said

'Haiyo Clar, dont worry lah. She so clever to fight, you see... she also can beat you until like that, I think all the prisoners inside also almost same with her ones... so she can defend herself. At the moment you soft-hearted one time, you are hurting yourself one time. Because dui ti ren ren chi shi dui zhi ji chan ren. Some more, she beat you until like that leh... you still let go her?'

I said

'Actually this sentence, my dad also told me before in Australia. He asked me dont so soft-hearted, he told me if I soft-hearted outside, will easily let people take advantage of me ones... he said everyone who need help is seeking people like me to use. Because he said if want to ask me do things is too easy already.'

He said

'Ya la! You think for Pn Lye's person, if you help her or let go her, she will help you back meh? She will only harm you but wont help you ones....'

I said

'How to say harm me?'

He said

'She will think you very innocent, the more she beat you lah.... or for example she think you very innocent, dont know defend yourself, then she will simply bluff your father to harm you. Take lai yoke pin case as example, in this case, she think you very good in using plus dont know defend yourself, simply bluffed your dad the cutter is yours to defend herself.'

I said

'How to say dont know defend myself in this situation?'

He said

'Means she think you even she bluffed your dad the cutter is yours, and even if your dad ask you about that, you also wont defend yourself; means wont say the cutter is hers ones... she knows you sure keep quiet and dont care that type. So in this circumstance, she used of you. So, my meaning is, even you helped her, but she wont return a help to you, she will only harm you.'

I said

'So you mean next time dont help Pn Lye anymore?'

He said

'Not merely dont help her, must do something to protect yourself; dont soft-hearted when got any consequences come to her.'

I said

'Ok ok! Chloe also told me the same thing as you. She said dont get soft-hearted in anything. If anything happen on me must get back my own justice, like if people owe me money, must remember to get back from them. She said if not people will think me good in using. Now I am very strong and realistic already. I trained myself a lot in Australia to be very realistic and dont let go people easily. If when I go back Malaysia, if she do anything to me, I really cant let go her already, if not people will think me good in using.'

 

After a calming conversation at the end,

Hk said

'Clar, now you go and eat medicine okay? Dont play a fool with your life anymore. When you recover already, automatic can dont eat anymore. Now, the more you eat, the more you recovered. And at the time when you very very recovered already plus at the time she shift already then you will get a very very peaceful life. So, at this moment, withstand awhile, suffer awhile because no one get sick is not painful.'


 

At that moment,

I am really touching he said that last sentence 'No one get sick is not painful'.
I asked him seriously

'So, my this sick will long lasting how long?'

He said

'Long lasting till the moment she shift and long lasting till the time you never mention of her.'

I asked

'So how can I stop thinking of her and the past?'

He said

'The only way to stop thinking the past is take your pill, dont you feel like when you got take medicine, the frequency you mention about her is lesser and more happy?'

I said

'You really got think so?'

He said

'Of course, that is why I afraid of you when you never take medicine, because I think you already recovered a lot and a lot when compared to last time, I scared if you suddenly never take medicine, go back to the very worst condition and need a long period to recover to now again.'

I sighed and said

'Honestly, I was very sad when I heard Pl told me: Your mum still can bluffed Datin said you recovered already. My heart broke at that time, but I still act like normal; after she told me like that, I always think that almost everynight, I asking myself why she said like that? I took pills for so long, did I really never recovered? I have been almost give up take pill because she said like that. Then at that time, I already gave up in this treatment, when I never take pills for a few days, even obvious till Datin and my father also could noticed. I really think of give up in this recovering process.'

He said

'Clar, dont listen to her, she is harming you. She wants you back to suffering stage and dont let you recover so only she said like that. You also know this Pl like to simply said and hurt people's heart ones. Maybe your mum never told Datin like that, is Pn Lye own self simply said ones.'

I said

'She never simply said, when I went back home, I really got asked my mother, I asked her: You got told Datin I recovered already? Then my mum keep quiet. Silence is default.'

He said

'Yer! I think this Pl wants to spoil the relationship between your mum and you ones!'

I said

'Why?'

He said

'Because he wants to let you angry of your mum so only she told you like that.'

I said

'The most important is you think my mum bluffed Datin I recovered already? I really didn't recover? Why Pn Lye said the word bluffed?'

He said

'Actually, you really recovered a lot already, people who got eyes also can see okay? I think Pn Lye own self also got think you got recovered already lah, but she just want to make you sad only, she knows if she said you kurang sayang or tomboy all those, sure you dont have reaction ones mah, so she purposely said you never recovered to make you got reaction.'

I said

'I knew, that is why I act like normal when she said like that, because I knew if I showed her I got reaction when she saying that, sure she will say the more; the more she will says me havent recover, that is why I act like normal then she talked about other things already, but in my deep down, I still very mind of whether I got recovered or not.'

He said

'Sure got lah! If you never recover, why now you talk about her lesser already? And your blog also lesser write about her already, and to be frankly, I rather see you write about your realistic life in blog than writing about her. Because when you writing about your realistic life, you are enjoying materialistic, at least, that kind of circumstance is in happier state.'

 

I said

'You know now because of Pn Lye, I became what state already? I even shocked my mum few days ago.'

He said

'What happened? I still think your realistic is average ah....'

I said

'I told my mum Prada too expensive already, I said Prada need at least 8K, so when she  goes Italy, help me buy LV enough. I said budget is around 5K. Then she said actually LV bag is only use in dinner function, go shopping no need use such good bag ones. She said: Simple is happy. I could even told her: Simple is not happy! Everything also dont have, happy of what? I want live better than Pn Lye!'

He said

'Har! Then when you said like that what your mum said?'

I said

'My mum is like sha diao few seconds, dont know what to say.'

He said

'Then?'

I said

'Actually I also dont know why I would said out so fast like that. Certainly, I felt my spoken words are uncollectible. I am really guilty now for that sentence. Because I think my parents already embraced a big hope that I am recovering from this shadow and expect I never think of Pn Lye anymore. Who knows I suddenly like became even worst like that; even said the sentence I WANT LIVE BETTER THAN PN LYE! Then after the day I said like that, my mum felt like she very guilty like that, she spoke in the phone in a weird manner, she said: Now mama reached Italy already, when mama got see any Prada bag will help you choose nice nice ones for you harrr....'

 

He said

'Funny! Means your mum wants you to live better than Pn Lye?'

I said

'Dont know, she normally very insist of her opinion ones... like if she thinks of no need buy so expensive bag means she think no need ones, but after I said like that, she suddenly became so weird. I felt guilty too after I said like that. But at that time, I too impulsive already.'

He said

'Or your mum think if you think yourself live better than Pn Lye already then your trauma will recover?'

I said

'I no need how my mum think of me, whenever I think I have more materialistic life than Pn Lye already, I will feel more happy. To be frankly, I also dont know why I got such weird thinking, because she hurt me in the past so she cannot live better than me? Sometimes, I will really think I am weird when asked you to do irrational thing such as help me go and see whether what Pn Lye is doing, is she living happier than me? Is she living better than me?'

At the end,

the most touching from what hung Kiat told me is

'If you live better than Pn lye, having more materialistic life than Pn Lye can make your dark shadow disappeared, as long as you live in happiness, I willingly want you to be realistic and materialistic. As long as there is a way to make you recover from this shadow, you just be that way which could make you recover.'

 

 

 

 

When I heard he told me like that,

I even burst into tears as too touching,

because even my real dad also didn't tell me that way.

"If living in materialistic and realistic could make your trauma recover, I willingly to let you become a happy person who living in abundance rather than living in her shadow. As long as you will recover, whatever things that can be bought or solve by money, we try to solve."