Loss of sanity
Last night,
lcl told me during cny night her mom beaten me was because loss of sanity.
When I am trying to sympathy, understand and look at her condition whether is she really loss of sanity?
Thus,
I went Google typed
'Signs of lost of sanity'
see whether her mom got really loss of sanity or not.
I thought I could understand her mum more after I read the article,
but in opposite,
I felt like the article is describing me more rather than her mum :(
And after I read the article,
i felt like her mum wasn't loss of sanity and she cheated me.
Hello, It’s been about 9 years going through untreated trauma (physical, verbal, sexual abuse) and negative feelings/thoughts. I don’t know how I am still alive, but I am. My heads all jumbled up and I can’t clear my thoughts. I have “out of body experiences”. My moods flip flop, one minute I’m down, then I’m up, then angry, then irritable, the completely depressed till at one point I feel nothing at all. I’m anxious all the time. I am cutter. I’ve been cutting for years on and off, but I feel like it is not doing much anymore (I still can’t stop though). Thus, I stopped eating. Not because I am self-conscious, but because with all the chaos in my head, I need to focus on something. I guess focusing on an empty stomach helps. I’m not quite sure how long that will last. I cannot talk to my family. I have one best friend who I talk to, but there’s not much she can do. I need help; I have no clue what to do or how to go on through my days. You would think after dealing with this for years I would get used to it, but I haven’t. I feel like I’m losing my sanity.
Initially,
I asked Hung Kiat
'Do you think Pn Lye is orang gila as she told me : ok now I gila d...? Or gila of lost of rationality...?'
He answered me
'I think no la, she frightened you ones... because from her voice I heard in the phone like normal only. When I hears she said: Take out take out... is like normal only... Loss of rationality is that kind out of control, simply screamed, Rahhhhh... that type... she got like that? Plus loss of rationality just more impulsive only, will hit people harsher only but not so until so many times ones...'
I said
'yes yes yes! Last time I think Siew also loss of sanity, he screamed: Come out! (Got a bit out of tone that type). Then he whacked me twice only, and the speed is faster, exactly what you said also, is harsher than usual and also more impulsive than usual. But not like pl, non stop hitting.'
He said
'Anah! The meaning of out of control is beat harsher and more impulsive than usual only but not keep hitting. Where got poeple like that ones?'
I said
'Ei.... you said the almost same thing as what I said yesterday, I told lcl where got people loss of sanity is like that ones? I said a lot people also loss of sanity but also didn't act like your mom... then I said since add math day happened, I also loss of sanity already always go your house but I where got beat people like that?'
Hk laughed and said
'haha! Can say like that lah... sort of this meaning lah... then what she said?'
I said
'She didnt say anything. She just continue said her things.'
He said
'For example that time you fought with your sis, you screamed: Rerrrrrr.... then simply used chair edges beaten her, but also not more than 30 seconds only. Means loss of rationality still got limit ones just harsher only...'
I said
'Like last time Siew like that, he shouted: Chu lai... got a bit loss of control like that, but also caned my leg twice only, just look more impulsive and louder than usual.'
He said
'Anah! means lost of rationality means harsher only, but not mean keep beating... That is why i said she bluffed you she gila, because she might be think you scared of orang gila so she bluffed you she gila already.'
My moods flip flop, one minute I’m down, then I’m up, then angry, then irritable, the completely depressed till at one point I feel nothing at all. I’m anxious all the time.
Today,
when I try to sympathy and understand about one another's dilemma,
I read the article about 'signs of loss of sanity',
I felt like the article is describing about me rather than her,
perhaps its God intention to make me read this?
But the fact is I don't aware I am actually lost of sanity.
For my personal experience, almost similar,
I'd gone through many years of physical,verbal and sexual abuse.
I don't know why i am here, but I am still alive despite several times of suicide.
I can't clear my thoughts too.
Always thinking why and how this happened,
feel like can't clean and clear those thoughts way from minds.
Exactly same as him,
my moods flip flop, one minute I am down, then I'm up again,
then angry with my hubby, feel very irritable within myself,
completely depressed till at one point then I feel nothing at all.
Just like very depressed at one point when thinking Pn Lye never wanted to shift,
when I depressed till a point then I will feel numb.
I'm anxious all the time too,
keep afraid this and that despite it's not a big issue.
A lot people saying me the same thing that the things I am anxious or fear are too negligible.
Just like afraid of ambulance,
people might think nothing, but I might think it's a big issue and began to anxious.
Anxious about the add math incident would recurred in my life, anxious about there is another sexual abuser in my life as the first one, anxious about she would beat me again, anxious about she wont shift house, anxious about my assignments will get a low grades, anxious about I will not recover in the future, anxious about I will still going her house forever, anxious about I wont forget about her in my entire life, anxious about I am being cheated, anxious about I am being control my someone, anxious about how she thinks of me particular think that I am afraid of her, anxious about what she will done to me, anxious about my future child will experience the same thing as me, anxious about other people in this world will experience the same thing as me, anxious about what kind of persons I am going to meet in the future, anxious about will I face the people who exactly like her in the future, anxious about will there another people who treated me like her in the future and anxious about what will happen on the seconds.
Overall,
I guess my anxious came from insecurity and insecurity had tremendously lead to anxiety disorder?
Exactly same as him,
my moods flip flop, one minute I am down, then I'm up again,
then angry with my hubby, feel very irritable within myself,
completely depressed till at one point then I feel nothing at all.
Just like very depressed at one point when thinking Pn Lye never wanted to shift,
when I depressed till a point then I will feel numb.
I'm anxious all the time too,
keep afraid this and that despite it's not a big issue.
A lot people saying me the same thing that the things I am anxious or fear are too negligible.
Just like afraid of ambulance,
people might think nothing, but I might think it's a big issue and began to anxious.
Anxious about the add math incident would recurred in my life, anxious about there is another sexual abuser in my life as the first one, anxious about she would beat me again, anxious about she wont shift house, anxious about my assignments will get a low grades, anxious about I will not recover in the future, anxious about I will still going her house forever, anxious about I wont forget about her in my entire life, anxious about I am being cheated, anxious about I am being control my someone, anxious about how she thinks of me particular think that I am afraid of her, anxious about what she will done to me, anxious about my future child will experience the same thing as me, anxious about other people in this world will experience the same thing as me, anxious about what kind of persons I am going to meet in the future, anxious about will I face the people who exactly like her in the future, anxious about will there another people who treated me like her in the future and anxious about what will happen on the seconds.
Overall,
I guess my anxious came from insecurity and insecurity had tremendously lead to anxiety disorder?
I am kinda same with the person from the article although I did not cut myself.
Because I afraid of pain,
so I tend to used non-painful method to let me disappear from this world.
Such as consuming large amount of pills,
same here but I am not doing that anymore as well.
The exact same sign as him is sometimes I would stopped eating too,
its not because my self-conscious told me that I am full,
but is because I want to concentrate on starve so I won't think about all the repetitive thoughts in my mind.
*When I concentrate on one thing; so I would forget my current thoughts.
Sometimes,
I would only eat bananas or apples,
or each day each cup of maggee in the early morning.
Then starve till the midnight around 1 or 2pm,
drink water and take pills quickly go sleep.
So,
at my bedtime when I am lying on bed,
I will only think about the starve rather than thinking about those repetitive traumatic thoughts.
Just feel like the article is entirely described me,
I don't really know what's going wrong with me,
maybe I am just the definition of loss of sanity here.
Loss of sanity that I do not know who I am any more,
I don't really know the way I behaved now is a sort of torture or just a way to restrict the unavoidable thinking?
Vividly recalled,
before I start going Pn Lye's house (Before she knew I knew the add math incident),
I've had this similar thinking as above,
I think to used the second suffer to forget about the first suffer,
because I think when I start thinking about the second suffer then I will forget about the first one.
Last time,
I even switched on the kitchen gas and go and touch the flame,
because I knew this can made me forget about the previous pain when I am experiencing the new pain.
But after that,
I didn't do that anymore because I realized both pain are exist even I did so as I still didn't forget the first one after I touch the flame.
Another part of the reason is because I afraid of pain,
so I used another not painful way to make myself forget the first pain,
I used starving to distract my repetitive thoughts because starving is not painful as its only very hungry.
When I am really hungry,
I just drink mineral water.That's it.
Honestly,
I don't really know why add math incident would lead me today and made me had all these self-destructive behavior.
I missed my giggle and laughter.
I just realized I am actually using a non-painful way to make myself forget the first pain,
which is make myself starve and starve,
think about the hungriness and avoid thinking the first pain.
Maybe,
I have been truly loss of sanity in this aspect..
I really loss of the rationality when dealing with stress.
0 comments