Three five years

Painful, I am really painful now.

My heart is really painful especially when the date is approaching,

a bodily trauma will always cause a never end psychological trauma,

it has been the matter of 3 years and 10 months ago;

This day has had became a huge remark in my life which reminding me any time that I cant hold a mechanical pencil and a calculator any more.

 

1 month and 13 days to go to celebrate 4 years old anniversary :(

 

Yes, I am still counting it consistently as the date is so vivid to printed in my mind.

Yet,

everyone has grown up; more problems are being encountering in life.

Even Emily,

she is facing the similar problem with me and doing the same thing as me right now,

I asked her don't follow me and don't be the second me,

don't count the date to let someone become your future shadow,

I told her that I am super regret to count the date.

The most crucially,

I told Emily

'Once you start counting, you will be like me and the consequences will brought you to the stage like me today.'

I told her that when the police asked me

'Bila case tu belaku?'

When I answered

' Dua puluh lima, November, dua kosong kosong sembilan. Tiga tahun tiga bulan lama.'

Everyone at there were shocked by my reaction,

because my answer were too consistent and immediate.

Sometimes,

I really wondered am I weird by answering that way?

The police even shook his head; giggled and said

'Dia masih boleh jawab dengan beberapa hari bulan!'

Daddy said

'Ya! Thats why saya cakap cikgu itu pukul dia teruk sekali sampai dia beberapa hari bulan pun boleh terus jawab!'

After that,

I asked Hung Kiat behind 

'You think next time when people ask me when is add math day, how should I say? Why I said like this very funny?'

He said

'Of course funny lah! Just imagine someone ask you how old are you, and you say : I am 20 years 10 months. Sure people laugh lah! You just need to say 20 years old enough, regarding the add math case, if you say 25-11-2009, people will think you remembered like hell that is why you can straight say out the date. Funny!'

I said

'Then next time how I should say?'

He said

'You just need to say 2-3 years ago. Or the most you just say 3 years ago. Like that enough, no need say until the whole date and month and year.'

Back to the point, in this case,

I can consider it as 'Three five years'.

Three five years almost approach and anyhow it will still pass,

kinda mentally unstable nowadays, talk to myself is what I actually doing now,

the trauma wound had gone in few years ago yet the deep down wound is aching terribly.

Memory is what I ain't supposed to mention;

feel like I am adding salt on the wound when the more I mention.

Sometimes,

I felt like I've really walked to the self-destructive stage by telling myself

'Stay there, dont move.'

I hate myself so much till I told myself

"It was only high school years after all, the year that killed your future and life, the date which lead you cant grab a pen and hold a calculator any more, definitely that is one of the most extraordinary periods in your life. Since its a fate, its an absolute miracle that if you can skip over that day. So what you need now is merely a strong plastic smile."

I know,

trauma always happens in relationships regardless of positive or negative relationships,

thus it can only be healed in relationships.

I think my biggest focus for myself is learn to how to get over the trauma that a certain person has caused in my life.

I believe I still need a couple of years to get through it.

Thus,

my determined to the road of success always inspire myself

"Experience has taught me that I have only one enduring weapon in my struggle against this shadow; the emotional discovery, emotional acceptance of the truth on me and this crucial date of my seventeen."