Manipulating the amount of hate and love
LOL! My dearrr!
Weren't that you told me I got most afraid of Pn Lam and hate her the most last time?
What is this??!! LOL!!
I don't even know why I got a picture with her? LOL!
Who taken this and when was it taken?
When I seen this - laugh die me :P
Well, past is past,
picture speaks
'Time fades away everything'.
Nevertheless,
it still really hard to imagine!
It just like I am taking a photo with Pl.
LOL ! Impossible stuff happen in my sight!
In fact,
I only could say
'After meet a new enemy, I've forget an old enemy.'
Honestly,
I felt like after I met pl this person in my life,
I totally never think of another pl (Pn Lam) anymore :D
Besides,
actually Pn Lam is not that bad as what I think previously,
we can't judge a book by its cover; can't simply identified someone as rotten apple before understand a person.
Things came this way,
last time when form 1 Pn Lam taught me BM,
with a very negligible reason she did caned me just because I didn't do her homework!
Since that day, me too,
I began to hate her with that very negligible reason.
since one of the time she asked me
'Huay Ching, early in the morning where you going? Have you eat?'
I felt like
'Ei??!! This person not that bad actually.'
During sports day,
she still free me an ice-cream from photography club booth!
By slowly,
I never think of how I hate her anymore.
Perhaps, by that time,
new enemy has arrived and as saying goes
'Grass is always greener'
To be frankly,
because I am really sensitive and really hate people being rude to me; treat me badly and impolitely.
That is also one of the reason why I hate daddy since I was in secondary school because he has been hitting me all the way since a very tender age until I've grown into adult.
But now, no more hating him.
Vividly recalled, one of the time,
when daddy was hitting me because I went Pn Lye's house.
At that moment, I really cannot withstand him anymore,
when he was hitting me,
I straight told him in Mandarin
'Wo Hen Tao Yan Ni'
*Then straight walked away from his room
I guessed he might shocked when I said that.
Because normally I daren't to move or talk when he is beating me.
But that time,
I even very suddenly told him
'Wo Hen Tao Yan Ni'
then daringly walked away from him.
He was speechless,
he chased me to upstairs and asked me
'Why you hate me?'
I said
'Because you beat me, I most hate people beat me.'
He said
'I where got always beat you? I just beat you a few times only.'
I said
'A few times? Until today you still can tell me a few times? Last time from primary school till secondary school you also beat me, secondary school then suan liao, until now, just now you also beat me.'
He said
'Because I very angry, I always told you not to go you still go.'
I cried and said
'You very angry? Very angry then can beat people? I been very angry in heart for so long already, but since when I got beat people before? Why you want to beat me? I also very angry you, did I beat you before? I also very angry of Pn Lye, did I beat her before? You want to beat me until when only you satisfied? Dont tortured me for so long, I am tired already, if you want to beat me, please beat me once and all for the future ones and start from today onward, I not empower you to beat me anymore.'
Daddy is speechless when I said like this,
because ultimately he heard my self-destruction voice by telling him
'I am tired enough, please hit me once and all for the future ones, start from today onward, I not empower you to beat me anymore.'
After 10 seconds,
he said
'I not want to beat you, I already told you many times.'
I said
'You come come back back said the same sentence, since you knew however I will go ones why you still want to beat me? I knew you are purposely ones. The reason is because you already beat me many times previously, but I got become never go meh? No... but since no, why you still want to beat me? Not purposely is accidentally ones? And also, since you got beat me or no beat me, I still will go, but why you want to choose to hurt me?'
Although its a deadly heart-wrenching words,
but it still ultimately blurt out from my deepest core of my heart.
This cruelest sentence had delivered into daddy's ears,
since that day,
he'd entirely changed positively and never beat me anymore.
While me,
I've slowly stopped hating him.
That collective of hatred had gradually decreased till zero.
And in my deepest core of my heart,
I understood the most,
that collective of hatred I gained a little by little since each time he beaten me,
when I was in primary 1 or 2,
I told myself
'Well, forget about it. He beaten me just now, but yet he bought me a toy. I never hate him anymore.'
When I reached standard 5 or 6,
I told myself
'Once he beat me again, I will never forgive and think of forget about it anymore. I will start to hate him one more time if he beat me.'
When I reached form 1 or form 2,
I told myself
'I will never so stupid as in primary, now I have grown up, too many times to forgive, I already hate him no matter how many sorriness are return.'
When I reached form 4,
he wants to bring me to America disney land,
surprisingly I even told him
'I dont want, I dont think of going.'
He asked me
'Why?'
I keep quiet and cried out; but still go at the end.
(because at that time the collective of hate already reached the max point)
When I reached 18 years old,
he still doing the same thing,
I told myself
'Not only hate, I never and ever love him before.'
But now,
he suddenly changed a lot since that day I talked back that way by saying
'Want beat is it? Now beat once and all for the future ones, after this, no more!'
After this,
I also realized last time whenever daddy was beating me,
I been sitting at a corner; keep quiet and let him beat,
but at the same time,
I am collecting hate within the silent.
Certainly,
I considered the introvert child.
I keep my thoughts in the deepest position of my heart and never blurt out.
But, as saying goes,
this kind of child is the most dangerous one,
because keeping quiet is not a good thing as every grudges are hidden thoroughly.
Just like Hung Kiat's brother and Hung Kiat,
Hung Kiat's brother is an extrovert one and Hung Kiat considered an introvert one.
When his brother outburst his anger; he used to vent on others,
while Hung Kiat outburst his anger, he used to vent on himself.
That's their differences.
Hung Kiat's brother just attended KL international school within one week,
problem came immediately, his mom was called to the school to meet the teacher,
the teacher claimed that his brother is lack of love thus just know how to used violence to solve problem.
LOL! When Hk told me like that,
I think of pl; totally same as pl;
people who lack of love tend to used violence to solve problems.
*Quotes from international school teacher. LOL !
When people just disturbed him only (Keep his things away from him),
once he got angry, he arched people's metallic ruler into a S-shape, spoiled people's bottle and spoiled people's bag.
Unpredictable right?
I don't really know how a bag could spoiled as ain't that all bags made of clothing material?
LOL!
Besides,
the teacher said the bag, bottle and the metallic ruler are all very expensive.
But he doesn't care; just used violence to solve problem.
But anyhow,
I feel like venting outwardly is always better that inwardly,
few days ago,
when Hk get upset when quarreling with his father,
he even used a big metallic scissor to knocked his head and caused large amount bleeding :(
This is the disadvantages of being an introvert one :(
Just like the fortune teller said me,
she said I considered the introvert one,
every sadness and hurts swallowed own self,
when emotional outburst is very dangerous for me.
She said suicide is possible for me,
but from what she spoken is right,
when I was form 3,
I really attempted suicide for a several times;
every day lost of appetite but still won't feel hungry.
When I was form 3,
I remembered I chocked myself,
even its really suffer of breathless but I told myself
'Withstand awhile, after die, everything finish already. No one is not suffer when suicide.'
At the end,
I really got fainted in the changing room due to lack of oxygen in brain,
but somehow,
I woke up after a couple of hours.
Perhaps its Jesus's intention to let me survive in this world.
Although attempted suicide till fainted already still woke up after a couple of hours.
When I was form 4,
my condition is getting better after USA disney land trip,
because I realized actually this world still have many wonderful things to explore.
Maybe,
after the trip my huge tension was released?
But unluckily,
after the add math incident happened,
my condition turned worst; suicidal thoughts came day by day,
I've swallowed two big stacks of sleeping pills and was sent to the hospital on the next day.
Thus,
this is the disadvantages of being an introvert.
When lcl or pl told me anything,
I act nothing in front of them but seeking suicide at the back.
LOL !
Actually,
I really felt curious about the diagnosis of the doctor,
based on what I mentioned above,
I supposed to be diagnosed as depression but he diagnosed me as hyperactive.
LOL ! Funny!
Totally opposite!
One glee face and another one is the antonym.
I told Hung Kiat about that,
weird! Why the doctor said I am hyperactive, but why I seem like depression?
Hung Kiat even said
'Maybe outside hyperactive, inside depression?'
When he said like that,
I straight recalled of what the fortune teller said me,
she said
'You this type of person is crying inside smiling outside.'
I asked myself
'Did I? Maybe I should admit I am hypocrisy in this sense, Facebook smiling, Blog crying.'
When seeing this quote,
I think of lcl, she mention the key words 'giggling'; 'keeping quiet' in front of others but 'get angry' behind others.
I think one day I have to show her about this.
But at the same time, now,
I am giggling inside about how good I am that my impression had given to her.
Seriously, ain't kidding!
I just realized in her real deep down she is thinking me as such a patience fella :)
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